reducing high blood pressure

Standard

For high blood pressure sufferers : simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  Remember to use a timer.

Note : This was not at all approved by Dr. Important Doctor.

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27 responses »

  1. Also, it is helpful to know that if your blood doesn’t flow as freely as it should due to clogged arteries or other conditions, you should eat lots of greasy foods for the purpose of lubricating the arteries. Pure lard works best. Also, drinking 1 full cup of bacon drippings daily has been shown in lab studies to dramatically improve blood flow.

  2. Uh, Mr. Important Scientist, did you get your degree from one of those “non-accredited” universities? I’ve never heard such things before…

    I hope you’re right, because eating bacon and other greasy foods sounds like fun, but that would mean all my former teachers would be wrong.

  3. Yeah, but our entire school system is screwed up these days, so what do you expect from a bunch of teachers, who are just commies in disguise. If teachers actually taught school stuff instead of trying to undermine the efforts of poor swine farmers, this world would be a better place. Go ahead and guzzle your grease, my friend.
    On the subject of “non-accredited” universities, the only reason they’re denied accreditation is because they don’t fit the left-wing, communist mold of what the edu-nazis say should be taught. Instead of teaching that everyone should be big-brothered to death and denied the right to eat bacon, they actually teach, well, nothing. But nothing is better than being taught propaganda any day in my book. So, don’t dis my alma mater, TW, or that of my colleague (Important Scientist) or I’ll come over there and force feed you a glass full of molten lard until you like it. :)

  4. Those comments about using lard, bacon grease and the like are totally off base. Those foods are too tasty to be used soley as artery lubricant. The world supply of such foods is low enough as it is! Instead, if your pressure isn’t lowering as fast as you’d like, I propose that you didn’t make a big enough hole. Go back and make the cut bigger, or find a larger vessel to cut into.

  5. I can’t believe all the un-accredited information to be found in these posts… for shame… cutting holes in arteries is NOT the approved method for lowering blood pressure… how then do you do it? Altitude… yep you heard it hear first… if you suffer from high-blood pressure… move to a lower altitude… dont go slicing holes in veins… find a nice LOW valley & stay there… (disclaimer: alternately visit a local physician for help)

  6. Good gravy… talk about non-accredited malarky! (Now there’s a cool word.) This “Important Doctor” fellow totally gave the wrong prescription… lowering the altitude lowers the person, not the blood pressure. DUH!

    I’d be leery of what this “Important Doctor” character suggests… I suspect he’s not accredited. Actually, I’ll take it even further — I bet he just makes this stuff up… I mean, “lower your altitude”? He probably just pulled that from his butt.

    Yep, you heard it here first, the self-proclaimed Important Doctor is a FRAUD! If he keeps spreading his non-accredited fabrications around here I might have to open a can of whoop-butt on him!

  7. non-accredited malarky? I GOT your malarky!!! lowering your altitude does, as you said,┬áindeed lower the person (thanks for stating the obvious)… but it’s common knowledge (to the educated at least) that the lower you go the greater the environmental pressure (think diving) … this increase in enviromental pressure places increased…um… pressure on all surfaces off the skin, thereby, hertofoth, thus, & therefore counteracting and reducing the strain & pressure on the veins caused by the high blood pressure from the inside.

    now… Let’s talk about rights and lefts. I’m right so it’s time you left.

    can of whoop-butt? you just finish up your juicy-juice & put down your crayons & BRING IT ON little man…

  8. what did someone say about bacon – the answer is yes!

    but I don’t recommend drink the bacon greases… this could give you the squirts… then you a shoot out YooHoo from your tellend…

    this states the obvi-us…

    M

  9. I was reading up on blood pressure stuff at the unacredited online college of Bo-seafus… & i’ve come to the conclusion that the whole bacon grease thing might work… if you drink enough of it then the calories & stuff you eat later wont be able to gain enough traction to stick in the digestive tract… they will just slide right on through… not only lowering blood pressure but helping you to lose weight as well…

  10. I’ve been trying this new-fangled bacon eating plan, and it’s cool. I don’t seem to be losing any weight yet, though… perhaps it takes a few weeks to take effect… But I’ve never been happier. You can put bacon on just about anything and make it better.

    Thanks, everybody! I just knew all along that most of the self-proclaimed “health experts” were trying to make my life miserable.

    BTW, is there any way that eating more cheese would help me be healthier? (Please say yes!)

  11. A word of advice–Don’t go on the lard/bacon grease diet and then try lighting a fart. In independent lab tests, this has been found to dramatically singe the sphincter and any nearby tissue and hair growth!!!

  12. Bubba! Do I have GOOD news for you… YES cheese can help you with you weight loss endeavors… however you must be warned that usage of cheese with the bacon-grease diet will result in “sudden-dramatic” weight loss (at approximately 4 weeks) … here’s how it works… cheese is an all-natural constipation-inducing material… start your diet with eating nothing but cheese for about a week. Thereafter continue with our (patent pending) bacon-grease plan (also a natural diuretic) … in only a matter of weeks (during which you may feel some discomfort as pressure builds) your body will rid itself of all the wastes that you have consumed since beginning this regiman… this naturally detoxifies the body… as I said before this will result in “sudden dramatic” weight loss… so BE PREPARED! Ideally you will spend week #4 on the toilet to avoid any unforeseen eruptions (think of this as the “calm before the storm”). If for some reason you do not “make it” to week 4… You will need to restart the “eating plan” at once… this time be sure to supplement your cheese intake to counter-act the resulting pressures of the bacon-grease plan. One last word of advice… flush often!

  13. YEE-HAW!!! I’m gonna put cheese & bacon on all my Southern-fried foods, to help me drop that extra hundred pounds. I ain’t got a problem with havin’ a little extra gas… I’ll just blame it on my dog. He goes everywhere I go, so he’s always handy. Actually, if it’s a really good one, I’ll take credit for it, but if it’s all stanky, I’ll blame the dog. I will have to keep in mind to not light my farts during this time. Me & the boys get a kick out of creatin’ butt-flame, but I sho’ ain’t lookin’ to cause no damage down there. You got to take care of yo’ butt, y’know! I hear some folks don’t like to talk about crappin’ and stuff, but it’s very important!

    Thanks again for all the advice! This made my day!

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  15. you are all retards , nobody listen to any of them…. bacon? you retard bacon will higher your blood pressure for sure. you want to stay away from fatty foods like this. oh yeah and why the [crap] do you think you will loose weight if you eat bacon? YOU WILL ACTUALLY JUST BECOME A LARD [BUTT]. alright nobody listen to dill hole.

  16. Whoa, will bacon really “higher” my blood pressure? Hmm… should I listen to the “Important Doctor” or some random guy whose grammar sounds like he got one of those non-accredited degrees (or never even finished that)?

    Well, I’m no dietician, but I know what I like, and I like BACON!

    Oh, BTW, I think I might have some of that “loose weight” he talked about… some call it flabbiness, some call it fat, I call it insulation.

  17. Hey, it’s true.

    I love bacon and cheese. MMMnnnnn…. boy that’s good.
    I have a BLT every day, and my blood pressure hasn’t gone up at all! (of course I quit measuring it a few months ago because seeing the results was making my BP go even higher)
    Simple rule in life: “Do the things you want to do (as long as no one gets harmed in the process).

    Stay Happy,

    Edward

  18. I don’t have any official research on this, but I don’t need any, ’cause I just know — bacon makes you happier.

    I’m thinking I should conduct some research on this. Here’s the plan — I’ll eat bacon & cheese every day. I’ll need a control group who doesn’t eat any bacon or cheese for a month. (Any volunteers?) Then we’ll see who is happiest. Since this could be a major medical breakthrough, I should be able to get some grants for this. (I know, it’s no new news to us here, but most of the world doesn’t know about the bacon & cheese diet. How many times have you heard about it in the mainstream media or in magazines?)

    Eat bacon & cheese,

    TW

  19. After beginning the bacon grease diet in June ’06 at the suggestion of an important scientist, I can say that it has been a great success at controlling my blood pressure. Yeah, I may have put on a few pounds, but my blood pressure is great for a morbidly obese person. :-) Oh, and also, I get to eat lots of bacon which is totally cool! Maybe I need to try to add the cheese regimen to get the benefit of “sudden, dramatic weight loss”. :-)

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  23. Nice! Blood pressure and hypertension have been interests of mine for a long time, and I think that a balanced holistic approach is overall the most promising. You have to eat healthy, exercise, and regularly watch your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and then things should be not too hard.

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