my washboard abs

I’ve got another personal tidbit that goes along the lines of the last post.  I’ve told people that I have rock-hard, “six-pack” abs underneath a layer of fat, and I’ve received the strangest looks of disbelief.  For whatever reason, some people find it inconceivable that I have all these tight muscles on my abs.  I suppose these people have to see to believe (but blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe!).

Well, now I have proof.  (No, the picture is not of me.  Please continue reading to understand why.)  Perhaps you’ve seen those TV commercials where they’re selling some weight-loss pill or diet plan.  They’re on all the time, so you’ve probably seen them.  Next time one comes on, look carefully at the before and after pictures.  From just losing weight, these people went from having a pudgy midsection to having well-defined, muscular abs.  And this is just from following some diet.  (Surely they wouldn’t be misleading people.  I mean, if it’s on TV, it must be true!)

So now you know.  It works the same way with me.  If I were to drop a few extra pounds, you could see my washboard abs.  You may be wondering why I don’t just lose the weight and look like that.  Well, it’s pretty simple, really.  I like to eat, plus I’m not into all that vanity and stuff.  Besides, I’ve got plenty of natural charm and charisma for impressing the ladies.  If I were to bring my body up to its full potential, that might be too much awesome for one person.  Then my friends might get jealous, and I really wouldn’t want to cause them to stumble.  So I keep my muscles in disguise.  The strength is there for when it’s necessary.  And I have nothing to prove.

no artificial preservatives

I have a colossal bulk that frightens evil villains, and people have asked how I developed this figure.  Perhaps some folks think I cheated in some way, but I’ll make it clear : I don’t need steroids or HGH or artificial supplements.  I’ve never taken any of that stuff.  I got my figure from just eating and sitting around.

Don’t be jealous… 

my new School of Cool

Hey, y’all!  Thomas Wayne here.  The friendly moderator here at Buffet o’ Blog was generous enough to let me put an ad here for an upcoming project of mine.  I’m starting a School of Cool.  I’ve found there’s a lot of people who are insecure with themselves, who wish they were cooler.  And since I’m the coolest person I know, I figure I’m qualified to help others find their inner coolness.

Now, I know some of you are thinking you’re already too cool for such a thing, and if that’s you, then you should most definitely keep reading.  Most people aren’t as cool as they think they are.  They live in a fantasy world, assuming everyone around them thinks they are so awesome, but that’s not reality.  And it’s dangerous to live in a fantasy world.  So I’m here to help.

I’ve written up a 12-week curriculum, to teach you what you need to know.  And I’ll be your personal instructor when that is necessary.  Some of the materials you can study from the comfort of your own home, utilizing revolutionary self-help techniques, and there will be a few sessions where we’ll meet one-on-one and then with a group.  I’m overly qualified for this class, because I’ve been uber-cool for many years now, to the point that I don’t even have to try.  It’s now just part of my natural charm and charisma.  And it helps with the ladies, too — they think I’m the stuff, all that and a bag of chips.

So sign up now.  Operators are standing by.  It’s a really good value, too.  I mean, how can you even put a price on coolness?  It’s priceless, but I managed to put a discounted price on this course, to make it accessible to most everyone.  Just bring your checkbook and we’ll work out the financial details when you get here.  We’ll even take your credit cards.

The first 12 people to register get a free autographed copy of my upcoming book, “Quotes and cool stuff said by me”.  It’s gonna be huge, although my publisher is concerned that it won’t sell too well because not enough people realize how cool I am, so this course will actually help sales also, but that’s just a coincidence.  My main concern is helping people be all they can be and stuff…

BTW, when this new School of Cool really takes off, I may be looking for a few more instructors to help with the workload, so if you’re interested, list your qualifications in the comments section.

Dr. Thomas Wayne, Esquire

my own “Road of Death”

Yesterday I read an article at Beppo’s Blog about Bolivia’s “Road of Death”, and I wouldn’t be scared of driving it.  In fact, I’ve got a road like that in my backyard.  It leads to my secret hideout that I built when I was a teenager, where I go to get away from it all.

The road is all treacherous, much like that “Death Road” in Bolivia, in that there’s dangerous cliffs and sharp turns, all that kind of stuff.  There’s areas where you have to jump the quicksand or drive on two wheels to fit through (like on The Dukes of Hazzard or Knight Rider).  It’s really fun.  But you need stuntman-quality driving skills.  After it rains, it’s really tough to make it through, because it gets very muddy — sometimes my trusty El Camino barely makes it.  Lesser vehicles wouldn’t have a chance of getting through.

Later on there’s an area where you have to walk because vehicles just won’t fit — there’s too many steep ravines and mountains on the sides of the road.  There’s also a pond that you have to get across, but there’s usually starving alligators in it.  It’s not a huge pond, but long enough that you can’t jump it — it’s about long enough for three gators to fit in.  Fortunately there’s this vine that hangs down and blows back and forth in the breeze.  You have to jump onto it and swing across, just above the mouths of the hungry gators.  (I like to make a Tarzan-esque sound when I do that — it adds more drama to it.)  You also have to watch out for big scorpions.  They’re pretty big, in that you need crazy-good jumping skills to get over them consistently.  There’s several other types of unique pitfalls you gotta get through to reach the end.

Just when you’re about to lose it from all the fast-paced action, you have to evade a group of hungry, hungry hippos.  It’s frantic — mad-wack paddywack, even — so you’ve gotta be careful or you’ll lose your marbles.

When you get there, it’s worth the arduous journey.  It’s all cool and stuff.  It’s a great place to relax. I like to watch sports on TV and play video games and eat Cheetos.  There’s also deer and various other assorted wildlife critters that roam around freely there.  One drawback is that the pizza places won’t deliver out there, so you gotta do carry-out.  But that ain’t no thang.

If you’re up for the journey, maybe I’ll invite you out there with me sometime.

~ Thomas Wayne

Tecmo Bowl

Can you believe that Tecmo Bowl on the original Nintendo (NES) was once the best football video game?  Follow that link to see a video of it.  Be sure to listen to the sound effects, too.  Clearly the graphics have not aged well.  (Or should I say “not clearly”?)  This looks pretty bad, even for NES standards.  I don’t think I’ll be getting this on the Virtual Console (on the Wii).  But watching the video clip does bring back some good memories, and it probably will for you*, too, if you ever played it.

* That is, unless you were unfortunate enough to play me at this back in the day, and you got “schooled” so bad on a regular basis that you still have emotional scars.  If this is the case, just let it go, man, because I’m the master of video games, and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

don’t forget Valentine’s Day if you have a woman

I got an e-mail from Thomas Wayne this morning, who apparently didn’t make it to the blog yesterday, because he forgot something important.  Check it out :

Man, there was all kinds of traffic yesterday, and it seemed like everybody had flowers and balloons in they car… was there some holiday?  Me and my woman stayed home last night and ate leftovers, and she seemed mad all day, but I don’t know why.  She didn’t want to talk at all…  What was going on?  Did you notice any strange stuff yesterday?

What can he do now?

a question from Thomas Wayne

I got an e-mail from Thomas Wayne today, and he wanted me to pass it on to the crowd here at Buffet o’ Blog.

I just remembered something that has confused me since college, and I thought some of you might could help me figure it out.  Let me explain.  One day while I was in college at UAM, I decided to go to class.  I hadn’t been in a while, and either my classroom moved or I forgot which room it was in.  So I ended up in some intellectual-type class, where they discussed and reasoned about abstract stuff.  After I realized it wasn’t World History, I was about to leave, when the teacher started talking about dookie.  I never expected to hear a college professor talk about dookie!  So I stayed in there.

The professor quoted a statement and asked the people to explain what it meant.  Here’s where I got confused.  He said :

“The poop on my shoe is hypothetical.”

I looked at his shoes but didn’t see any poop.  The people in the class gave a bunch of weird answers, some of them not even about poop at all.  So I was confused… bewildered, even.

Anyway, I’ve been reading Buffet o’ Blog for a few months now, and I’ve seen a lot of important people here, along with some folks who use some really big words, so I figured somebody here might be able to help me out.  Was the teacher saying he thought he might have some poop on his shoe but couldn’t see it?  Or was he trying to confuse us?  Or was there some type of hidden meaning in it?  Does anybody have any ideas?

~ Thomas Wayne

The comments section is now open.  If you have any ideas about what he’s asking about, share your wisdom (or wisdumb).

Thomas Wayne deals with insomnia

Thomas Wayne long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in the United States and Finally went to Mexico seeking help.  Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.

One day, while in Mexico Thomas Wayne met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita named Esta Gonzales.  Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.

Thomas Wayne has known from his childhood that when you see Esta,

you sleep.

my nose just exploded!

Hey, my nose just exploded!  Okay, maybe not quite.  It was more like a volcano erupting, which is kinda like an internal explosion.  The local indigenous peoples ran for their lives, seeking cover from the hot molten magma flying carelessly through the air.  Okay, maybe it was more like snot and boogers, and it didn’t go that far, but still, you don’t want to get any on you.

~ Thomas Wayne

T.W. arrested for medical fraud

The police recently busted Thomas Wayne for selling ’secret formula’ tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he had been caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

~this is an excerpt from the ‘embellished memoirs of my life’ by Thomas Wayne