viewer mail, issue #11

It’s been a while since I’ve answered viewer mail, so here goes.  Like always, these are actual search terms used to find this site, followed by commentary and analysis.  There wasn’t any questions to answer this week, but if you have any, use the “Contact Us” link to send it to us.

• flavor of poop — I haven’t ever researched this (for good reason), so I’m going to resort to a third-party on this one.  I have read of someone who actually ate some, and he said it tasted about like what you would expect.  I wish I could find the reference to it, because I’d give him a few seconds of additional fame for his feat.
• i would like 17 super powers please — Doesn’t that seem kinda greedy?  Of course it would be great to have more superpowers than you know what to do with, but then some would get wasted.  Besides, can you think of any superheroes that have 17 super powers?  That would offset the balance on both sides, and it would be really bad if you decided to use your powers for evil.  So, sorry, on this request you’ll have to be DENIED.
• coworker is an alien — If this is true, then you need to be very careful!  An alien is not going to come to Earth just to sit in a cubicle and do work; he obviously has some ulterior motives.  He could be here for research, spying, infiltration, or kidnapping.   But regardless of that, there’s another aspect of this to consider.  Do you have any idea how much fame and fortune you could get by discovering an alien?!?  People have tried to prove the existence of UFOs for decades, and if you could, you’d be so famous.  So document all your encounters with him/her/it, and keep your proof in a safe place.  Write a book with an accompanying DVD, then hit the talk show circuit.  You’ll easily make millions!
• words like discombobulator — That word makes me feel discombobulated…
• why do pickles explode — BECAUSE THEY’RE EVIL!!!  Actually, I didn’t know they explode on their own, but I do know for a fact that they’re evil.  Does anyone have any evidence or explanation of them exploding?  My plan of shooting all pickles into the sun would cause them to explode, but if there’s any natural exploding of pickles, I’d like to know about it.
• unbreakable stuff — That’s just a myth.  Nothing is unbreakable.  I’ve worked with people who were naturals at breaking anything.
• why should i eat chocolate — This one is really easy — because it tastes great!  What other reasons do you need?  But if someone is trying to convince you that it’s not healthy, that’s just because they want the chocolate for themselves.  Chocolate actually does have nutritional properties to it.  It has antioxidants, which nobody understands, but they say your body needs them.  And chocolate is a great source of sugar.  I know, sugar gets a bad reputation these days, but did you know your brain runs on sugar?  It’s true, look it up.  Of course, your body can create sugar from foods like fruits and vegetables, but why not save the time and effort by eating chocolate, which has your daily sugar needs in highly concentrated form (plus it tastes much better).
• how safe is buffet eating? — I’ve never had any problems with it.  But, since you brought it up, I should research this.  I think this calls for a trip to Larry’s Pizza!  WOOHOO!  Would anyone like to join me to offer a second opinion?  Before you quickly volunteer, know that this may require multiple visits to local buffets, so we can reduce the standard deviation and stuff. 

That’s it for this week.  Now you know more than before.  You’re welcome.

viewer mail, issue #10

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail!  Let’s open up the ol’ mailbag.  As always, we are taking actual search terms used to find this site, and/or questions submitted via the “Contact Us” form on the homepage.  Then we add our unique analysis and commentary, and it’s always a good time.  Let’s begin…

• arby’s all you can eat — Capital idea!  Those beef ‘n cheddar melts are good, and having an unlimited supply of those and Arby’s curly fries would be most excellent!  I posited this idea to the Buffet o’ Blog staff, and Turtle Dundee said, “Arby’s all you can eat would be made of pure awesome, and would result in the eating of every cow in Texas and every curly potato in Idaho.”  Someone should suggest this to the higher powers at Arby’s.
• turn homemade bread into a bear — I… I… I don’t know what to say.  (But that’s never stopped me.)  For one, I don’t think it’s possible, at least according to the current laws of physics.  Second, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS?  Bread is a good thing (while still fresh) — you can make sammiches and burgers with it, and you can cover it with gravy.  Bears will kill you.  Now, I suppose that bears are edible, if you trim away much fat and then tenderize/boil the meat for many hours, but the bread is already food, so why do you want to do this?  The only thing I can think of is if you’re going to buy all the sliced bread you can and then create an army of bears to conquer the world.  But I’d rather you not do that.
• why does mexican food cause headache — It does?!?  Since when?  If this is happening to you, then either you’ve got some really bad Mexican food or you’re allergic to it.  My own research* has revealed that Mexican food makes you feel better.  (* I eat Mexican food at least once per week, so I have extensively researched this one!)  So if you’re getting a headache every time, you need to switch restaurants.  Because there’s nothing inherently wrong with cheese enchiladas, chicken burritos, chicken tacos, chile rellenos, tostadas, and cheese dip.  I would eat this kind of food nearly every day if I still had a metabolism…
• dealing with too much gas — Speaking of Mexican food…  :)  This happens to us all, doesn’t it?  Sometimes you just have a lot of flatulence.  Well, since the issue is that there is a lot of gaseous pressure inside you, the only way to resolve it is to let it out.  (Now wasn’t that simple?)  I know, sometimes you’re in a public place and some people get offended way too easily, but you have to ask yourself — would you rather be uncomfortable or would you rather they be uncomfortable?  For me, the decision is easy to make.
• throwing pies — Does this ever happen anymore?  If it does, I never see it.  I have seen it happen a bunch on The Three Stooges, and it always looked like a good time.  Even those aristocratic type people would get involved, once they got past their initial default offendedness.  I think there should be a place where this is the norm, as I have written about before.
• can ice cream cure headaches? — I’ve never heard that it does, but it makes the pain easier to bear.  Perhaps I should research this one…
• how to build a billion dollar palace — This one’s easy — get a billion dollars!  :)  Really, that’s what it’s going to take, or at least close to a billion dollars.  You aren’t going to build one of those by hand.  And if you have a billion dollars, builders and architects will build just about anything you can dream of.  So your question has a really simple answer.  Just don’t ask me how to get a billion dollars, because I’m still researching that one.
• how can someone just leave — This is another really easy one.  Just watch…

viewer mail, issue #9

Welcome to another issue of our infamous viewer mail series.  Like in previous issues, we will look at actual search terms that people used to find this blog, then we will provide advice, answers, or humor that corresponds with what you were looking for.  (And this is open to your questions, too — just use our contact us form to send us any question you’d like an answer to, and we’ll come up with something.)  Let us begin.

• why are chimpanzees smarter then humans? — Uhh, they’re not.  However, if you believe that, maybe they are smarter than some humans… 
• ice cream buffet — I’ve never heard of one, but that sounds like a good idea.  And in addition to having many varieties of ice cream out there, of course there should also be lots of different toppings to choose from and mix in, like crumbled Oreos, Butterfinger chunks, hot fudge, caramel, graham cracker crumbs, etc.  I think somebody should make this happen.
• how does the moon belch? — You’ve got me on this one.  I can say that I’ve never thought about this before, and I don’t know.  It would be really weird if the moon did belch or fart, because it would probably be very loud, and we might even hear it on the earth.  On a slightly more serious note, to answer your question, if it has any active volcanoes, then perhaps that’s how, but I don’t know of any.  However, there is the backside of the moon, which we don’t see, so perhaps there’s some clues on that side.
• interesting facts to read while on toilet — There are a lot of good books and magazines out there for reading in such conditions, and comics are great for that also.  Another suggestion would be to print out some articles from this blog.  The free-for-all stories are good (just click on the title of each one to get all the comments, so you get the whole story), and there’s a page with lots of toilet facts (which would be appropriate, although some might give you pause), and there’s a few posts that have a lot of discussion in the comments (see here for starters).
• nuclear scorpion — There’s been a lot of searches related to scorpions recently, and I wonder what all the hype / buzz is about.  Perhaps the next Godzilla movie will feature a nuclear scorpion.  (Has he ever fought one?)  So maybe this is from a leaked movie script, or it could be just some crazy conspiracy theory, or maybe my warnings about Turkey Point were prophetic.  I don’t know which it is, but I’m curious also.  If anyone knows why scorpions are so popular now, let me know in the comments.
• flush toilet into air 10 feet away tooth — Hmm… how should I interpolate this one?  Did the toilet water (and waste) shoot 10 feet into the air when you flushed it and got on your teeth?  Ugh!  Let’s hope that’s not what you’re talking about, because that’s downright stank-nasty!  Generally, you want your toilet to flush downward, taking the poop and other excrement away from you.  If it’s going into the air, then your toilet is malfunctioning.  On a side note, if your whole toilet exploded and shot up in the air, that would be kinda cool, but you’d rather that not happen at your home or while anyone is nearby.
• moon backside nasa — See, it’s not just me who thinks there may be something going on at the backside of the moon!  Because we can’t see the back of the moon, NASA (or some other space agency) could be having underground operations there without even having to go underground.  There could be something nefarious going on there, so we need to check it out for ourselves.  Do we have any volunteers to secretly go to the moon and investigate?  If you find something, we’ll film it, and it’ll make a great movie, perhaps even winning a Nobel Peace Prize (since Al Gore has lowered the bar so low with his documentary).  Who’s interested in going?

That’s all for this issue.  Feel free to discuss any of these topics in the comments.

black vs brown shoes & belt

Today I’m going to answer a question from one of our viewers, submitted via our new contact form.

My wife said it is “bad” to wear black shoes or a black belt with non-black pants, that I need to get some brown shoes and belts.  (And I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean the good kind of bad.)  But what’s the problem?  Will bad things happen?  What’s the big deal?

Mismatched and confused
Conway, AR

Dear Mismatched in Conway,

Many wives have said such things, leaving their husbands in a state of confusion.  But I’ve not encountered any of these “bad things” that are supposed to happen.  Just the other day, I wore navy pants with black shoes and a black belt, and nothing bad happened.  And nobody even said anything about it.  I suppose it’s possible that someone didn’t like it, but I could wear my best clothes and some people still won’t like them, so I don’t see why it matters.

So wear what makes you happy and comfortable (and is convenient).  Don’t get all caught up in these fashion trends — they change every few months anyway.  Why, maybe next year it will be fashionable / cool to wear navy pants and black shoes.  Besides, everyone will never agree on such things anyway.  For example, some people think it’s cool to wear your hair all messy, like you didn’t even fix it, yet most people thinks this looks a mess.  Whatever…  To each their own.

viewer mail, issue #8

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail.  As we did in the previous issues, we will take actual search terms that people found this site with, then we will provide advice, answers, or just more information concerning these topics.  (FYI, we are closer to having a form where you can submit your own questions, but our webmaster is just too busy with all his stuff to get it finished.  Hopefully soon, though.)  Let us get started.

• dumb comments — Oh, is this the site for you!  We specialize in dumb comments here.  We’re like discount dumb comments warehouse.  But that’s not to imply that any of our readers are dumb — not at all.  Some of our readers are among the smartest you’ll find in these here parts.  Yet they are able to simulate dumbness.  (I call that artificial stupidity.)  However, a few readers here are, um, a few fries short of a Happy Meal.  But I’m not saying who.  :)  Either way, if you want to read dumb comments, this is the place.  Have a look around. It’s a good time.
• the secret is discovered — Hmm, are you wondering if “the secret” has been discovered or is this a message saying “the secret” has already been discovered?  If the latter, then you’re in big trouble!  Since it was a secret, obviously the multitudes are not supposed to know.  And if you’re talking about “the secret”, well, you better hope it’s not out!  I’ve heard there’s some bad consequences awaiting the one who lets the proverbial cat out of the bag before its due time.
• incompetent cream — This is similar to “the clear” cream that some professional athletes take, except it’s the opposite.  I think it’s what most politicians take.  Since they don’t need steroids for athletic ability, they apply this incompetent cream, which does what you would expect. 
• sleep recovering from daylight savings — It’s widely known that people don’t like losing an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time in the spring.  In a recent article we proposed a solution for this.
• chuck norris vs the a-team — While Chuck Norris vs Mr. T would be a great fight, I doubt even he could take on the whole A-Team.  I’m not sure Chuck could beat Mr. T by himself, but adding Hannibal, Face, and Murdoch would be too much.  Nonetheless, I wish he could’ve been on the show one time as the bad guy, although I suspect that might be too much awesomeness for one show.
• fart into phone conference call during — This came up during our discussion on the best way to get fired.  If you’re at a computer with speakers, there’s a lot of interesting sound effects that would liven up a boring conference call at work.  It’s best if you’re working from home that day, so no one knows who it is.
• i want to know about salads — I can help you with this.  Fortunately for you, salads aren’t that complicated.  They usually consist of lettuce plus with some garden-variety vegetables, topped with a salad dressing such as Ranch or Thousand Island.  As you might have surmised already, this isn’t very exciting.  However, some places will allow you to create your own salads from a salad bar, and that’s a much better option.  The best place I’ve found for this is Riverfront Steakhouse, which has what might be the best steak in central Arkansas, along with the best salad bar I’ve ever seen.  It has all the normal stuff, plus shrimp and real bacon (which go really well together).  Anytime you can add some cooked dead animals to your salad, it’s going to be better.
• don’t you hate when your boogers freeze — My personal research in this area has shown that it’s best to go inside before you get that cold.  (I imagine you’re referencing the quote by Calvin, which we included in part 3 of our quotes from cartoons series.)
• how to make hot rod transformer costume — If you make one and wear it, all the guys will be amazed and the women will think you’re a nerd.  That said, you should still go for it.  Be yourself.  Don’t let women keep you from being who you want to be.  I’ve seen a few videos about making your own Transformers costume before, and I still have the links for them.  The first one is way cool, but you have to have help transforming : Hot Rod.  Here’s a generic one, where he changes from a robot to a car.  And here’s a video with a few that you will know, like Optimus Prime, Starscream, and a Constructicon.

That’s it for today.  Feel free to discuss these topics further in the comments section.

viewer mail, issue #7

It’s been way too long since we’ve had a viewer mailbag, so here goes.  Same format as last time, where we take actual search terms that people used to find this site, and we elaborate on them.  We do this for you, y’know… to help people like you who are searching the Internet for information.  We’re always glad to share our ignorance, er, I mean, knowledge. 

• do children enjoy cartoons? — What kind of question is this?  Of course they do!  Have you forgotten your childhood?  Or were you never exposed to cartoons?  Either way, you are missing out on a great thing!  But don’t fret, for it’s not too late — you can still enjoy cartoons.  Granted, I don’t know how old you are, but that is irrelevant here — no one is too old to enjoy cartoons.  Yes, even adults should watch cartoons.  (Note that I said “should”.)  Cartoons make you laugh, they help you use your imagination, they’re typically clean entertainment, etc.  It’s a win-win situation.  I know some people don’t understand that, so they may look at you funny, but don’t let them keep you from a good thing.
• unlimited nachos — Now this is what I’m talking about!  Where can you get this?  If you find a place offering all-you-can-eat nachos, let me know.  I don’t know why some restaurants don’t offer this option.  I’d go there, no doubt.  I know a lot of people who would go there on a regular basis, especially if they let you put whatever toppings you want on the nachos.  Somebody should make this happen…
• make dookie urinal — I’m not sure what the point of that is…  we already have the urinal, and we already have the toilet, which together take care of your excretion needs.  So why do you want to combine them?  Are you wanting to stand up while you poop?  That could get messy real quick!
• chuck norris vs mr t — There’s been a lot of people searching for this, and we have a post dedicated to the topic already (click here).  At that page, there’s a link to a comic strip where they fight each other, but it’s quite cheesy.  I’d like to see them really fight, but I suspect that will never happen, because some scientists speculate that it might cause the end of the universe.  I wonder who would’ve won if they had fought in their prime…  I think Mr. T’s strategy might put him at a slight disadvantage, because he tends to take the first few punches of his enemies, absorbing their best punches and then looking really mad.  (That sure intimidated some folks!)  But perhaps he would realize the danger of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick and thus be more aggressive.  But I guess we’ll never know.  *sigh*
• “why doesn’t robin wear pants” — This has bewildered people throughout the ages, but I think the simple explanation is that he’s a wuss.  Of course, I realize that a lot of people who are wusses still wear pants, so many people won’t accept that explanation.  Other than that, I don’t know.  Why would he never wear pants?  Does anybody have a good explanation for that?
• chance of snow this year — Yeah, there is.  Well, in most places.  Here in central Arkansas, we probably average about 1 to 3 inches per year.  That’s not nearly enough!  But when it does snow, even if it’s just a few flurries, it’s a big deal.  (I wrote on this recently.)  I’d like for us to get at least 8″ sometime, so I can build a huge snow castle.  Someday this will happen, and it’ll be awesome.  (For those of you in the northern part of the U.S., you may think that’s nothing, but if we ever got 8″ of snow here, everything would be shut down for days.  It pretty much closes everything here with just 2″ of snow accumulation.)
• me grimlock not afraid of decepticons wa — Grimlock (from the Transformers) sure was a cool character!  It’s unfortunate he won’t be in the upcoming movie.  (Although, some may argue that due to the extreme changes to the characters and the possibility that this movie will siphon big-time, it may be better to not have your favorite characters in it.  I can understand that.  I wish Soundwave were in it, but wouldn’t want to see him as an iPod, then in robot form be totally unrecognizable.)  Anyway, Grimlock was a great character.  He enjoyed being in battle and was a great fighter, and he wasn’t afraid of anyone.

Well, that’s it for this episode.  I hope we were able to help you with something…

viewer mail, issue #6

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail.  Once again, we will look at actual search terms people used to find this site.  (We still don’t have a form setup for you to submit your questions…  our lead designer acquired a Nintendo Wii and hasn’t had much free time lately.)  This is what people like you are searching for, believe it or not.  So let’s get to it, and perhaps we can help you with what you’re interested in.

• building my own time machine — That’s a noble idea, but there’s a flaw in the slaw.  There are some parts you need, such as a transgalactic time discombobulator, that just aren’t available yet.  If you can somehow get your future self to go back in time to our current time with the parts you need, then you can accomplish this.  But without such intervention, you’re probably out of luck.  Well, unless you’re a super-genius and can build the parts yourself, but then you probably wouldn’t be searching with such a generic phrase.
• how to be a ninja — I’m afraid there aren’t any shortcuts to this, if you want to be an authentic ninja.  Of course you can put on a black ninja outfit and pretend to be one, but everyone will see through your facade.  I wish there was an easy way to acquire this status, but I don’t know of one.  You will have to train really hard for many years.  (Perhaps we should start a ninja training school that offers a two-year degree with part-time study via correspondence, where you can become an official ninja from the comfort of your own home.)
• how to get super powers — This has been a popular search phrase, and rightly so.  Who wouldn’t like to have super powers?  I sure would!  So I’ll try to answer your question.  It’s rather difficult to get super powers, which is probably a good thing, or there would be much chaos in the world (because some people would use them for evil, while others are just clumsy and would make a huge mess).  One way is to be born from another planet and when you come to Earth, you get super powers from our sun or our atmosphere.  Or perhaps your race is just naturally superior to humans and then when you come here, people think you’re all that, when on your home planet you were merely normal.  Another option is to be involved in some type of nuclear accident.  Obviously this has some inherent dangers involved, in that it will likely kill you.  But, according to the historical archives (movies and comics), falling into a pit of radioactive ooze can sometimes give you super powers.  Alternatively, the safest method of becoming a superhero is to collect and master high-tech devices.  Batman did this, as well as the bad guy on The Incredibles, Syndrome.  This is costly and requires a high degree of skill, but is possible.  (Hope this helps!)
• cool — Yep, someone searched for “cool” and found this blog.  It is more evidence that this site is cool.  You know it!
• eating scorpions side effects — Hmm… let’s start with the knowledge that some scorpions are poisonous.  Also, all of them have stingers on their tail, which I would not recommend putting in your mouth.  Even if they are dead and cooked, I still don’t think it’s a good idea to eat them.  However, as we discussed in a previous post, some restaurants consider them an “exotic food” and will serve them to you (for $30!).  I consider this a rip-off.  Even if you can eat them and survive, there’s no way it’s as good as biscuits and gravy with fried chicken.  Just no way…
• +”dog poop” +”text sucker” — Somebody searched for this on Christmas day last month.  I certainly don’t have a problem with randomness, even on Christmas day, but this seems odd.  I figure most people are visiting their family and eating lots of food and playing with their new presents on Christmas, yet somebody is searching for dog poop.  I don’t know…  Anyway, we do have the answer you were probably looking for — it’s called Net Disaster.  It’s fun to play around with.
• seibu lions stadium upgrade — They got their $51.1 million, so now they can upgrade their stadium in a big way!  We recently had an interesting discussion about that, specifically concerning the $6.02 million they plan to spend on “upgrading restrooms”.  We had some really good ideas, I think.  Click here to check it out.

That’s all for this issue.  Until next time, I’m Beppo. 

more viewer mail

It’s Friday, so let’s celebrate with another issue of viewer mail.  Same rules as last time — we will use actual search terms that people like you used to find this site, because we don’t yet have a place where you can e-mail us your questions directly.  (What is our webmaster up to?  If the Nintendo Wii, er, Revolution, was out, I could understand his lack of free time.  I’m gonna hafta go light a fire under his butt or somethin’ to get him fired up about working.)  Anyway, we’ll make do with what we have.  Y’know the saying : “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” I’ve also heard someone say, “If life hands you crap, make a crap sandwich.”  I don’t think that would be very good.  Perhaps we could make that jack o’lantern of flaming poop we talked about, even though it’s after Halloween.  Or we could just fling the poop at our enemies.  Oh, I know — just anonymously mail the crap to your enemy and let him figure out what to do with it. 

Okay, now I’m rambling, while some people are patiently waiting for this week’s issue of viewer mail (which isn’t weekly, but should be).  Let us begin…

• why throw your life away so recklessly — I suppose you are referencing the quote by Megatron from Transformers: The Movie — “Why throw away your life so recklessly?”  It’s a good movie.  I’m hoping the next one that’s due out 7.4.07 will be really good.  It has incredible amounts of potential.  It’s one of those movies that could be one of the best Sci-Fi movies ever, yet it could also be a huge flop because of all the hype and potential.  But I’ve heard there’s plans for at least 3 new Transformers movies, so apparently those involved think it will be a hit.  I have my fingers crossed.  (BTW, the quote is also a good question.  We shouldn’t waste our life.  If you want to read more about finding your purpose in life, I recommend my other blog : Thinking Outside the Box.)
• are pork chops bad for you? — No, I don’t think so.  I had some last night, made with Shake’n Bake (and I helped!).  Also had macaroni & cheese.  Mmm…  Some nutritionists might say that pork chops aren’t the healthiest of meats, and they’re probably right, but you gotta enjoy life.  (The “Important Doctor” that visits here will probably think they’re healthy, because he invented some crazy bacon-and-cheese diet that sounds too-good-to-be-true.  He’s becoming known for his non-accredited theories.)
• buffet bathroom explosion — Obviously somebody didn’t know when to quit eating!  I understand that you want to make the most of your trips to all-you-can-eat buffets.  (Trust me, I know in a big way.)  But eventually we all reach a point where your body says “no more!” and you have to respect that.  If you keep eating beyond that point, you pay the price…
• blog nintendo wii ice cream truck — I’m not totally sure what you’re looking for, because I don’t know of any combination of those things in existence.  But they are all quite cool.  I’ll post this anyway, in case some of our readers have any ideas for that…
• moon shining in daytime — I see that other people are noticing the problem, too!  Perhaps this is happening more than ever… (dun Dun DUN!)  I wrote on this recently : the moon is broken.  Feel free to share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments section.
• what those the moon look like in novembe — Ahh, another moon inquiry.  (As you probably noticed, the search terms get cut off at a certain length, but it’s obvious what he/she was asking.)  Well, this one is easy — it’s November now, so just look outside tonight.  Although, because the moon is broken, it might not even be shining tonight.  (Grrr!)  We need to get things moving on fixing the moon!  Write your state representatives and tell them the moon is broken and that they need to get off their butts and pass some legislation to fix the moon.
• pickles + proof + evil — I’m glad the word is getting out and people are starting to learn that pickles are indeed evil.  We’ve had extensive dialogue on this topic, which you can find at this post : pickles are evil.  It’s been suggested that all pickles be destroyed as soon as possible.

This issue of viewer mail is now concluded.  Thank you, drive thru…

it’s time for viewer mail!

Viewer mail!  Viewer mail!
It’s time for viewer mail!

Holla!

Okay, all seriousness aside, let’s dig into this episode of viewer mail.  Once again, we will look at actual search terms used by people like you to find this site.  Sometimes we already have all the info you need (or want), but sometimes we can add to our extensive breadth of posts to better meet your search needs.  So have a seat, grab a nice refreshing beverage, and stay a spell.  And don’t forget to laugh.  (That is why we’re here…)

• nutrition hostess ding dong — The “Important Doctor” that visits this site says such things are healthy, but the FDA disagrees in a big way.  We could discuss the calories and fat grams and such, but let’s cut past the nutritional facts to get to the real deal — you know you want to eat one!  They sure are good, so go for it!  Life is short, so eat, drink, and be merry.  Now, I realize obesity is a big problem for many people (heh heh), so if this applies to you, go outside and walk around the house a few times.  That way you’re burning those calories off.  (And the bigger you are, the more calories you burn by walking around the house because it’s more strenuous.)
• man eating hamster — Oh, no!  Not a man-eating hamster!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  WE’RE ALL DOOMED!  Oh, wait…  I don’t feel like running right now, so let’s look at an alternative interpretation of that — a man that eats hamsters.  Uhh, I don’t recommend this.  They’re too much like rodents.  They might be edible, especially if covered with some hickory-smoke BBQ sauce and then slow-roasted, but there’s plenty of other stuff to eat that is known to be good.  Order pizza, buy some Hostess Ding Dongs, melt down a block of Velveeta cheese and add a can of Rotel, buy a bag of Cheetos, etc.  There’s an extreme amount of good options here, too many to list.
• splat! burford — Hmm…  This one may take some intense interpolation.  Hold on a sec…  *closes eyes and constipates real hard*  Okay, I know exactly what you were looking for : some combination of a character named Burford and action.  Am I right?  Of course.  Well, you are very much in luck today, my friend, because we have just finished an original story that fits well within your parameters.  It’s entitled Burford’s weekend, and it involves him going on an unknown quest which may impact the whole world.  If you like the format and method, then stay tuned, because more original stories will be starting in the near future (and you are welcome to participate).
• how to pay for the nintendo wii — We have covered this with an original idea by one of our staff members.  I suspect the original searcher found it, since the post title is almost exactly what you searched for, but for anyone else who finds this post, here’s our solution : how to pay for a Nintendo Wii.  BTW, a couple of us here plan to acquire this console, and we both wish they had stayed with the name “Revolution”.  But it’ll be fun to play regardless…
• why are pickles so good — I’ll phrase my answer in the form of a question : Why are you so deceived?  Pickles are not good — they’re evil!  Let me explain…  If you think that pickles taste good, clearly you have been misled.  I know, someone is thinking that’s impossible, because they taste good to you.  Well, stay with me, for I will make it all clear to your understanding.  It’s like smoking cigarettes or drinking beer — the first time you try these things (from what I hear), it’s horrible.  They taste so bad.  But because of external factors like peer pressure, people will give them another chance, then another, until eventually they grow accustomed to them and think they like them.  People can even become dependent on these things.  This concept can happen with pickles.  Also, some parents will give their kids pickles to eat, and the kids don’t know any better.  (Parents, you should be ashamed!)  We have discussed pickles at length here, even debating the issue with a pickle representative (and giving him a what-for).  You can read it here : pickles are evil.

Well, that’s all we have time for today.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  (I really love helping people!)  If you know of someone who would like to laugh more (or needs to), send them the link to this site.  Then we can help even more people, and you’ll get the assist.

another issue of viewer mail

It’s time for another long-awaited installment of viewer mail! It’s been a while since the last one, although there’s been no shortage of searches finding this site.  And since we still don’t have a form setup for you to directly ask us questions (which reminds me, what is our webmaster up to these days… perhaps he’s a slacker), we’ll use actual search terms that brought people to this site.  From this we’ll try to provide more information on the topics that interest you most.  And if we come across any wise words of wisdom, we’ll include those, too.  Let us begin.

• exercise is bad for you — This goes against “convention wisdom”, but we’re not one to always follow the majority.  Besides, this could be a huge conspiracy.  So we did some research.  And it appears that you are onto something.  Studies show that the people who play sports and exercise on a regular basis are much more likely to get injured than those who sit on the couch or sit at their computer all day.  We posted a study on this a while back; go to Exercise Is Bad For You, New Study Shows.
• “quotes”, “the key to” — This is ambiguous, but via interpolation I’ll suppose you mean “the key to making quotes”.  And although anything said could be a quote, that would be boring, so I’ll suppose you mean a good quote.  Well, now that I’ve deciphered what you were really looking for, I’ll provide you with valuable insight.  You should say cool things.  (Sounds really simple, doesn’t it?  Well, it’s easier said than done.  Uhh, well, maybe that doesn’t apply here.)  These sayings can be funny, insightful, random, etc.  If you have trouble with this, you should try to take in more high-quality sayings.  For starters, keep reading this site — there’s lots of high-quality randomness here.  You should also spend time with people who are cooler than you are.  (And if you never say or think cool stuff, they shouldn’t be too hard to find.)
• teddy bear lasagne lasagna — I hope I can give you some advice on this before it’s too late… DO NOT TRY THIS!  You are not supposed to eat teddy bears!  They are not made of meat.  And the “stuffing” in them is not edible, either.  If you have teddy bears and want to eat them, give them to children in need.  And most definitely do not steal other people’s teddy bears — that would be wrong on so many levels.  If you were really going to make teddy bear lasagna, you should give up cooking altogether.  Go to restaurants instead.  They will prepare real food for you in exchange for money.  (I sure hope this was just an isolated patch of stupidity…)
• anal seepage side effect — Oh my goodness!  What is going on here?!?  (And how did that find this site?)  First of all, the side effect is that you crap your underwear.  Second of all, any leakage / seepage out of your butt is a bad thing!  If this is happening you need to see a doctor!  The only thing that should ever leak out of your butt is gas, but hopefully you can control that.  If anything physical comes out without your consent, there’s some serious problems.
• make a crazy golf course — Now this is a much more pleasant subject.  I am pleased to tell you that we have this covered.  We have an ongoing discussion about making golf less boring.  There’s been several good ideas on making a better golf course.  And if you have some more suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

That’s all for today.  I hope you enjoyed today’s issue of viewer mail.  If this has helped you, please let us know, using the comments section.  Although, if you were going to eat teddy bears, you might not want anyone to know.  And if you have anal seepage, you definitely don’t want people to know.  So perhaps I won’t expect too many comments this time…