viewer mail, issue #16

It’s long past time for another issue of viewer mail.  As usual, I take some of the actual search terms that led people to this blog, and I provide the information they were looking for.  Well, there’s no guarantee it’s the actual info they wanted, but hopefully it’ll be funny.    I may not know everything (just 98%, give or take 3%), but I know humor.  But enough about my extensive reserves of knowledge!  Let’s get to the search terms.

* “laughing is important” — I completely agree!  And science agrees also.  Some studies suggest that laughing heartily every day can add 7 years to your life.  So obviously laughing is important!  That’s why I write on this blog — to help people laugh, which promotes good physical and mental health.  So subscribe to the blog, for your health’s sake!     And tell your friends about it!

* will people realize obama is a joke — I’ve wondered this myself, thinking perhaps all of President Barack Obama’s strange doings were part of some huge April Fools joke.  But that day has come and gone, and there was no announcement.  I’m afraid this is reality, that Obama will be the U.S. President through 2012.   He’s who the people wanted.   (I won’t say he won fair and square, because of ACORN type groups, but McCain sure helped him out with a poorly planned campaign.)  Let’s just hope Obama doesn’t make too many changes to America.  People want some change, such as removing corruption and increasing transparency and fixing the economy, and so far Obama has not given us that type of change (despite his campaign promises).

* arguing teddy bears — Normally teddy bears are passive, peaceful creatures, choosing to bring comfort to little children everywhere, so if yours are arguing, then there’s some problems.   Usually all you have to do to keep them happy is hug them.  If all else fails, you could let them fight it out.   I realize that sounds violent, but teddy bears don’t have claws, and they are plushy, so no harm will come to them.  Perhaps letting them release their aggression is the solution you are looking for.  Then again, arguing and fighting is no in their nature, so perhaps you are exposing them to too much of that stuff… maybe you should look in the mirror for your solution…

* all you can eat belly — Well, if it isn’t obvious, here’s a picture.  But know that this is only after repeated use.  Enjoying all-you-can-eat buffets no more than once per week should be okay, but going there every day or two will lead to being fat.  There’s been a lot of research on this, which should be obvious.

* ice cream nachos — One might assume that combining two of mankind’s greatest food inventions would be a sure thing, but in this case it might not be.  I haven’t tried it, nor do I plan to.   Here’s what I recommend: eat your nachos, drink lots of sweet tea, and THEN eat your ice cream (topped with Oreos and/or Hershey’s Syrup).  Stay with that plan, and you can’t hardly go wrong.  (Well, don’t do this every day, for reasons illustrated by the previous topic.)

* build your own particle accelerator — This would be interesting, if you had the tools to conduct the research these are typically used for.  Hopefully you are searching for educational purposes only — this should not be used as a weapon.  Some scientists are concerned that high-powered particle accelerators could theoretically create black holes, which could obviously be dangerous, since they are the deadliest force in the universe.  Which, of course, means they are not a toy.

* can a man wear black bel and brown shoes — What kind of question is that?  Of course, a man can wear a black belt with brown shoes.  Men aren’t required to follow fashion trends nor to follow those imaginary rules concerning what matches and what doesn’t.  Besides, black matches everything.     Women pay more mind to these rules, and from what I’ve heard, they tend to judge each other very critically over those non-written fashion rules.  But with men it’s a different story.  In most cases, a guy’s friends won’t even notice what he’s wearing.  Besides, men need to reassert themselves and wear what they like and what is comfortable.

That’s all, folks!   Stay tuned for the next exciting episode, same blog time, same blog channel.

viewer mail, issue #15

It is time for another issue of viewer mail.  (I really should do these more often; they’re fun.)  As always, these are actual search terms that brought people to this website, followed by my own leading brand of analysis, commentary, and rambling.

* buffets make people fat — Buffets don’t make people fat — people make people fat.   Actually, you make yourself fat.  But that’s not meant in a derogatory way.  I mean, if you want to be fat, then you have that option.  But let’s not blame buffets, or the “politically correct” crowd will try to ban them.  Besides, even if all-you-can-eat buffets went away, there would still be fat people.  It’s just a matter of semantics or somethin’…

* pickles diarrhea — I haven’t heard of such things, but I also don’t research it in any way, because pickles are evil.  Some have posited that eating pickles will turn you into a zombie (which probably could lead to diarrhea as your body tries to reject that).  I don’t think that’s completely proven yet, but some important people are working on it.  We’ll keep you updated.  But in the meantime, avoid pickles at all costs, unless you’re throwing them into the sun to destroy them.  That would be okay.  (FYI, there’s a very funny discussion on pickles at that link.)

* shampoo fraud conspiracy — I have no idea about this one…  Does anyone have any clue what this could be referring to?

* potassium nitrate side effects — Potassium nitrate is an interesting compound.  It is used in fertilizer, amateur rocket propellant, smoke bombs, food preservation (in old days), cigarettes, tree stump remover, the heat treatment of metals as a short-term rust inhibitor, the manufacturing of ice cream, toothpaste, and it’s one of the three ingredients in black powder.  So if you were to eat it, who knows what the side effects could be?  There’s a lot to choose from among that list.  But given those options, I don’t recommend eating it.

* burn calories poop — Well, just about any activity burns calories, even tapping your finger on your desk, so I reckon pooping would, too.  I did a quick search, and someone estimated the process burns between 19 and 70 calories.  I don’t know how scientific and accurate that is, but that site claims to be the #1 source for #2.

* can the sun be dangerous — Certainly!  In case you weren’t paying attention in science class, here’s a brief recap.  The sun has constant fusion, where hydrogen atoms fuse together to form helium atoms and release energy.  Or in other words, it’s a constant explosion.  So you don’t play with it!  IT IS NOT A TOY!  You wouldn’t want to put the sun in your pocket, because it would burn your butt.  Fortunately we’re 93 million miles from the sun, and Earth’s atmosphere refracts the direct sunbeams so it’s not instantly lethal.   But using a magnifying glass you can refocus the beams of sunlight and see just how dangerous it is — it creates fire.  So obviously it’s quite dangerous — sunlight plus curved glass creates fire.

That’s all the time we have for today.  I hope you learned something, or at least laughed.  (Laughing burns calories, y’know.  I’m not sure about learning, but it’s still good for you.)

viewer mail, issue #14

One of my regular readers recently pointed out that I haven’t written an issue of viewer mail in a while, and what they said was true.   There’s no good excuse for that, but to appease certain people, I’ll make an excuse anyway: I had stuff to do. 

But enough rambling, well, rambling without a point, anyway.   Let’s get to the viewer mail.   As always, these are actual search terms that led people to this blog.  I will provide answers, advice, skepticism, ridicule, or whatever is necessary in response to these phrases.

• newly invented vitamins and minerals — I have nothing against science and inventing, but I don’t think we need more vitamins and minerals.  I already have enough trouble eating all of them I’m supposed to.  HOWEVER, if these new vitamins and minerals can somehow make things like bacon and gravy healthy, then I’m all for it!  That would be a great invention — not only would you improve the quality of life of millions of people, but you’d make billions of dollars!
• “survive a volcanic eruption” — I can help you here.  The key for survival in that situation is to be far away.   It’s really that simple.  You really want to avoid the hot molten magma / lava, because it can burn through almost anything, including concrete and steel.  So it’s best to be far away.   And don’t try to cook marshmallows or hot dogs over the lava, because it can reach 2000 degrees; thus your food will melt, as will you.
• friends that are too cool — It’s unfortunate this happens, but it’s a way of life.  Your only options are to either improve yourself, or just give them their space.  We had a guest editorial by Thomas Wayne about this one time, so you can read a few people’s thoughts on it in the comments on that post.
• cookies for breakfast — Some health nuts may say cookies are not a “breakfast food” or that they aren’t suitable for breakfast somehow.   To that I say “hogwash!”.   I have conducted my own extensive research in this area, and the results are conclusive that cookies make a great breakfast.   Milk is a good beverage of choice to go with your breakfast of cookies.
• smoking/oxygen — I’m glad you brought this up, whoever you are.  Have you ever realized that smoking cigarettes and cigars burns oxygen out of our atmosphere?  Thus smoking contributes to global warming!   You probably won’t hear Al Gore mention that, because it might make some people mad, but I’m not afraid to rock the boat.

Well, that’s all we have time for today.   I really do have stuff to do.    Be sure to check out the other issues of viewer mail for more answers to the stuff you’re searching for.

viewer mail, issue #13

It’s about time to open the viewer mailbag again.  I have some time-specific ones about Halloween which might prove helpful to people with questions, plus there’s some general issues to discuss.  As always, these are actual search terms that people used to find this site.

• what to do with old pumpkins — With it being close to Halloween, a lot of people are probably wondering about this.  I didn’t make a trip to the pumpkin patch to get one, but I know of people who did.   Anyway, I e-mailed the Buffet o’ Blog staff to see what they thought, and here are the options they presented: A) catapult; B) fire; C) both A and B.  Another suggestion was to line up a few hundred pumpkins on the train tracks, then wait for a train to plow through them.   That would be awesome to see.  (Of course, the standard disclaimer applies to these ideas: we are not responsible for any of the stupid stuff you do.)
• cycling calories burned smell — So when you’re riding your bicycle for exercise, you encounter a burnt smell?  Well, the truth is, you can’t smell calories burning.   You might not want to know what that smell is, but I should probably tell you so you will know.  It’s either sweat or gas.  I don’t know that cycling gives you gas, but the act of cycling may cause more release of gaseous fumes.
• pickles burn calories — I’ve never heard this, but it could possibly be true.   But even if pickles do lead to the burning of calories (and thus exercise in some form), you don’t want to take this route.  Let me explain.  Pickles are evil.  That’s well-documented at that link.  The side-effect (or full-effect) of eating pickles is not fully understood by scientists, but some important scientists suspect pickles turn people into zombies.   The way this can burn calories is that your body has a natural immune system, which will try to fight off the effect of the evil pickles.   But there’s no guarantee that you will win.  So just don’t eat pickles!   There are much better ways to burn calories.
• subservient chicken — This is not as good an idea as you might suppose.   Burger King created one online a few years ago, and the page is still there.  We’ve written on this before, and the link to him is at that post.  He can do some stunts and even dance for you, but if you tell him something useful like “bring me nachos”, he does weird stuff and never brings me any nachos.
• is fat bigger than obese — Interesting question.   Everyone has fat, but of course not everyone is obese, so I’d say obese is bigger.  To get technical with it, obesity is when you have so much excess body fat that your health is negatively affected.  So I reckon if your body fat is not excess — that is, it’s how much you want — then you’re not obese.  Or even if you’re fat or “big-boned” but still have good health, then you’re not obese.  So maybe it has to do with how you look at it.  From a scientific standpoint, it is generally agreed that you’re obese if you’re a man with more than 25% body fat or a woman with more than 33% body fat.  I could explain why those numbers are different, but this is a family-friendly blog…  AWW-RIGHT!

Well, this has been fun, but I have stuff to do, so I’m calling this issue finished.  Besides, some people say these posts get too long (which means they have the attention span of a cheese sandwich).   If you want to read more, you can catch up on the other issues here.

viewer mail, issue #12

It’s been a while since we’ve opened the viewer mailbag, so let’s do this.  First, we’re going to answer an actual message sent to us via our contact form, by Neil:

very cool are you selling or anything?

Well, Neil, currently this blog is not for sale.  Though for enough money, we might consider it.  (We’ll entertain any offer, regardless of size, so don’t be afraid to ask.)  Also, we don’t currently sell any merchandise, although I’d like for that to change.  If we can come up with a cool logo, we could get some T-shirts printed, for all our super-fans to buy and wear proudly. 

Now we’ll look at some of the search terms that have brought people to this blog.  These are actual search terms, not modified in any way.  We’re going to give you answers for what you are searching for. 

• how to tell a coworker they smell — There are a lot of possible methods for this, but if you want to be discreet and anonymous, you can write a note that says, “You smell like -> ” and put it next to a picture of poop.  Or, if you’re really bold, you can even put some real poop there — that will make a bolder statement and will surely give them something to think about.
• buffet know-how — Are you looking for a tutorial on how to eat at restaurants with a buffet?  Honestly, I never thought one was necessary.  You just eat the food you like, in whatever quantities you want.  The only strategy is to eat fast if you want to maximize food consumption.  I suppose you could also consider which foods are more filling, but really, the purpose of a buffet is that you eat what you want.
• what men do in bathrooms dynomite — While there are certain scenarios where creating explosions using dynamite would be fun in a bathroom, most of them are quite dangerous and probably illegal.  So usually there isn’t any dynamite being used — it just sounds like it. 
• bad farts cause headache — My research does not support this hypothesis.  Has anyone else done any research in this area?
• cholesterol in wendy’s bacon hamburger — Are you referring to the infamous Baconator?  I know about it, because I ate one in the name of research.    If you want the nutritional information, you can get it easily enough.  Wendy’s is required to give you this information if you ask, and it’s on their website, but first you need to ask yourself if you really want to know.  I mean, you already know it’s not healthy — it’s a fast-food double cheeseburger with six strips of bacon on it.  If you’re wanting to eat healthy, you should not even be tempting yourself with looking up this information.
• “ferment beans” — Why would you want to do that?  Are you trying to make an alcoholic beverage that tastes like beans and has the associated side-effects?  I don’t recommend it.  Or do you want to make refried beans that make you “tankered up” (drunk)?  Again, I don’t recommend this.
• i think your super — Y’know, I’m not surprised this search term found me.  I’m super in more ways than you know.  But to whoever did that search, you might should work on your grammar — it’s not cool to use words incorrectly (unless it’s on purpose).
• CRAYONS AND BLOOD PRESSURE — This seems random, but that’s what we specialize in here.    This phrase could be parsed a couple of different ways, so I will answer both.  1) Eating crayons probably doesn’t help your blood pressure, and it may make it worse because bad things might be going on inside your body while you digest and pass crayons.  Just don’t eat them.  The other alternative: 2) coloring with crayons can be relaxing, so that could help lower your blood pressure.  I know, coloring is often looked at as a children’s pastime, but it can still be fun, even for adults.  If you’re one of those thinking coloring is childish, YOU SHOULD QUIT BEING SO OLD!  Try it…

With that last piece of advice, I will wrap up this week’s issue of viewer mail.  (Ironically, this series isn’t published weekly, probably closer to monthly, but it could be done weekly because of all the visitors we have here.  But there’s so much other cool stuff to write on, that this series sometimes get neglected.  It’s like I just start typing and randomness overflows.  You may wonder why I don’t publish multiple times per day, then.  Well, I could, but I have stuff to do.  That is, I have a life (plus another blog).  If someone were to make donations, I could easily justify writing more.  But I digress…)