dangerous secret lair discovered

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The Important Evil Genius (E.D) is in the news today, and I thought some of you might like to know, because he visits this site and participates in the discussions.  (To read up on his funny delusions of world domination, check out the comments on these pages : viewer mail!, pickles are evil, the best Christmas ever.)  Here’s the official release from GP News :

Tue Feb 20, 9:12 AM CT

CONWAY (GP News) – Important scientists have reported that the secret lair of the Important Evil Genius (E.D) is producing an unlawful amount of greenhouse gases which lead to global warming, so local authorities have been instructed to shut it down immediately and place him in custody for an unspecified amount of time.  His laboratory will be sterilized, and if that is not possible, it will be utterly destroyed.

His secret lair was discovered by a group of teenagers and their dog.  Our on-the-spot reporter interviewed one of the teenagers, who was named Velma.  She explained it thusly: “We were in town to visit my uncle, and he was showing us around the area.  He took us to the base of this mountain, where some of the locals had reported seeing an old man who tried to scare them away.  I was looking for clues, while the guys were throwing dog treats at our Great Dane, who bumped into a rock-like switch on the mountain.  This proceeded to shut off a projector that was displaying an image over the entrance of a cave.  My uncle called the local authorities and we went in to investigate.”

One of the local deputies named Cletus was at the scene, and he informed us that basic forensic research had concluded this lair has been in use for a long time and was still active.  A quick search of the county records revealed that the Important Evil Genius did indeed own the property but has not paid any taxes in the last 38 years, so now the IRS will be conducting a major audit.  It was also determined that the Important Evil Genius was not licensed to operate a chemical refinery, so a warrant has been issued for his arrest.

One of the important scientists explained that the secret lair is extremely dangerous, because it is using out-dated technology, plus it’s at the base of an active volcano.  A quick glance around the main room of the cave revealed pits of exposed hot molten magma, which is obvious a dangerous thing to have near volatile chemicals.  One of the younger important scientists, who wished to remain anonymous, called the hidden base “total crap”.  He apparently had heard of the Important Evil Genius, as he elaborated, “This old man is a menace to society.  He scares people around town with his oldness and his scathing threats, and he mixes colored, bubbling liquids together when he doesn’t even know what will happen.  This laboratory should be shut down immediately before he injures himself and possible others with some chemical accident.”

The Important Evil Genius is currently on the loose.  It is suspected that he is hiding inside the mountain, where there is an extensive labyrinth of tunnels and caves.  Deputy Cletus was confident that the old man will be brought to justice soon.

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Laughing is good for you. So this blog is a buffet of randomness and humor. Most of the content here is original and thus exclusive to this site. I encourage everyone to participate in the comments section -- it makes it more fun for everyone.

29 responses »

  1. Museums are also drawn to the lair of the so-called Evil Genius. Several have already begun carting off sizable chunks of what they call “Vintage Supervillian” equipment.

    “This here”, said a shifty-eyed fellow from the Museum of Attempted World Domination, “is a 1963 Plastronics Phase-Reverberator, type 3. Only a few hundered were ever made cause in ’64 Fibertech made the whole thing obsolete. What this yokel was doing with one, I have no idea. Wasn’t even hooked up right. And if you look at the side here, you can still see the “Property of the Ceramic Cerebrum” stamp. Probably picked it up at a yard sale and didn’t know what it was.”

    From the look of the lair, well over half of the machinery inside was never used; some even have the orginal wrappings intact.

  2. ***due to new informaton just received me must retract our previous article from circulation. I has now been brought to light that a ‘Mr. Destructo’ was the so-called ‘anonymous source’ our publisher used when writing the article. We have since traveled to the site of the supposed ‘Secret Lair’ and found it to be non-existant as previously reported. The items found were located in, what turned out to be, a closed toxic dump. The group of kids quoted in our article have admitted to being approached by an individual wearing a ‘hi my name is mr destructo’ name tag. They were offered a full tank of gas and a spare tire in exchange for calling the authorities and claiming to have found a secret lair. While it is true that the property was once owned by the Esteemed Important Evil Genius. It was donated to the county in exchange for the Johnson’s old abandoned pickle farm 40 years ago. All charges against the evil genious have been dropped and a warrant has been served for Mr. Destructo to be brought in for questioning. We want to sincerely apologize to the Evil Genius E.D. for any duress (PLEASE PLEASE dont kill us!!!).***

  3. Hmm… I wonder who wrote that “Important Retraction”…

    Considering that no one esteems the “Important Evil Genius” except himself, obviously he wrote it. It’s understandable that he didn’t want everyone to know of his ineptness and incompetence as an evil scientist, but you can only hide behind smack-talking for so long. He should accept the truth, because the truth will set him free. Then he can quit pretending, and he can retire at an abandoned pickle farm (or whatever he wants to do).

  4. I assure you that ‘I’ was the one to write the retraction and not the (as ‘you’ put it) esteemed Evil Genius. After looking at the facts of this case (there were none) It was my civil duty to print a retraction.

    thank you… and drive through…

  5. The “retraction” was the first place to called him “esteemed”. I mentioned that only in reference to the retraction. My personal opinion of him is that he’s a fraud.

  6. The post-report audit reveals that the evidence was carried away to the “Museum of Attempted World Domination”. What was left might’ve resembled a “toxic dump” as you reported. So I see no holes in the original story, other than the supposed retraction. So the original news release stands.

    Oh, by the way, official GP reporter, YOU’RE FIRED!

    Thank you, drive thru…

  7. You can’t fire me… I’m the owners son!!! so boo-ya!!! My original statment (retraction) stands! the only holes i’m aware of are likely those in your Drawers!!! what is this post-report crap you’re talking about anyway? check the official police report. I received statements (on record) that the kids were bribbed by a ‘mr destructo’. Maybe you are on his payroll eh??? ironic that TW & the supposed ‘GP editor’ comments withing minutes of each other… I propose they are BOTH on Mr destructo’s payroll! As I stated in the retraction… all charges ‘have’ been dropped… check your facts with the local authorities before you getting your undies in a wad & trying to fire people that actually take their job seriously. I think i’ll have a chat with dad about you.

  8. Oh, yeah? Well, you’re fired, regardless of who you are. And you know what — your dad, the owner, is fired too! Take that! Both of you can pack your desk and head out the door for the last time.

  9. it has come to my attention that stories composed of falsifications have been printed of late. In response to that I have no choice but to fire the existing ‘official GP editor’. pack up your desk before we call security. To fill the vacancy of GP editor i’m proud to announce that my son a current GP reporter will be taking the position of GP editor. Congratulations Son… I have no doubt you’ll do a fine job.

  10. This is TOTAL CRAP! You need to check your son for “falsifications”. He’s the one fabricating stories and using non-accredited sources. But I see that blood flows thicker than integrity, or something like that.

    BTW, I’d like to apply for the reporter job, since it’s now vacant… 🙂

    NOT! I don’t want to work for your crap company, where official breaking news gets retracted just because your son got bribed by the Important Evil Genius. Don’t you see what is happening here?

  11. um… careful what you call yourself… I think your are now the ex-official GP editor.

    I just call it like I see it … facts are facts!

  12. I now have a position with another news company, which actually reports facts and stuff, instead of being bribed like a few people at GP News. And the original story about the Important Evil Genius still stands. His lair was raided by local authorities, and he is wanted for various crimes. It’s in the official police docket — you can go check. The sheriff will be contacting GP News soon to find the connection between the retraction and the payroll surplus from donations by the Important Evil Genius. Your guilt will be exposed to your shame.

  13. quite your whining… no one likes hearing an ex employee belly ache about losing their job. I ‘have’ the official police docket… just because you managed to get a job at the ‘enquirer’ does not give credence to anything you say. quite blowing smoke out your ears…

  14. To the Important Evil Genius…

    Now that your secret lair has been discovered and your equipment auctioned off and you’re wanted by the law, it appears that your lasting legacy might be:

    * that you were able to hide in obscurity in an active volcano for 38 years;
    * that you amassed a large amount of retro (outdated) equipment, which museums are now fighting over.

    You are coming to a sad realization. Cancel or allow? 🙂

  15. Thomas Wayne, and I suspect your lasting legacy will be an inability to read, and hiding behind a facade of ‘respectability’ when it’s ‘obvious’ from your journalistic slander of me that you are one of ‘mr. wuss-structo’s’ minions…

    My lair has not been compromised, I am not ‘wanted’ by the authorities… (at least not on tax evasion) 🙂 nor is my equipment outdated.

  16. Evil Important Genius, (I see your name is changing, just like your story)

    People can read the official news release at the top of this page. They can see what the facts are. And reading the various comments here, it’s obvious that owner and his son at GP News are trying to change the story.

    BTW, I ain’t nobody’s minion!

  17. Yawn… you bore me with your trivialness…

    as for the name difference… Please forgive me… I’ve been dealing at length with the xangrians… as they are purchasing some of my advanced technology (an anti-matter emulsifier for use with a highly expermental meteor-logical cultivation project) … in their culture it is custmary to invert the first and last names.

  18. *yawn* You bore me with your stupidity…

    So you claim to have a meteor-logical cultivation project, huh? If it actually worked, you could be selling snow to places that don’t get enough, like here in Arkansas. You could make millions. But obviously it doesn’t work. That’s probably why you’re selling it to some obscure group of people, so there will be less repercussions on your head when they find out they’ve been ripped off.

    So they invert their first and last names, eh? Then how come your last name wasn’t inverted? Just admit it — you’re making all this up. What a maroon! What a nincomPOOP!

  19. You seem to forget one ‘key’ thing. I’m EVIL! I’m the reason you didn’t get any snow in arkasas… i’m also the reason antartica gets so much!

    I tell you what… you come up with ENOUGH money & i’ll see about making it snow. (I accept cash, credit card, or pay pal)

    as for the name thing… YOU’D never understand the intricacies & complexities of the xangrian language.

  20. Greetings Earthlings,

    It is apparent that there must be something in your atmosphere that instills violence with your species. We are confounded by the lack of concern for your fellow humans. I am very fortunate to have our noble leader Xan (may he live forever) appoint me to the task of representing the essence of our prestigous existence in order to bring about a change in the pysche of mankind.

    But in order to do so, I must first address a few things.

    1. Mr. Important Evil Genius has….limited knowledge of our species and technology. It is true that we tried to purchase some equipment since he inadvertently hacked into our communication system through some primitive contraption made of outdated material from his not so secret underground lair. At the time, we assumed (incorrectly) that he was of high intelligence considering no one has hacked into our communication system from your planet and felt it was time to break out of our isolation.

    2. We were wrong in buying his equipment since the machines do not function according to the specifications we specified to Mr. Important Evil Genius.

    3. The name of our great people is Xangrilangrians and not xangrian. The earthling named Thomas Wayne is right in his summation that the “genius” has falsified his knowledge of us. He cannot even spell our sacred name correctly.

    4. We have just been informed through another communication at this forum of an individual called Mr. Destructo and his plans to use one of OUR asteroids to destroy Earth. Though we are saddened by his words, we must not allow this to occur. Apparently we have to assist your species (again) to rid yourselves of the malcontent that it prevalent throughout your planet. We must prevent earthlings such as Mr. Destructo and Important Evil Genius from doing harm not only to our world but to Earth as well.

    In closing, we hope that through this primitive communication system dubbed a “blog” that we can have a sort of cooperation between our two species.

    To the betterment of all,

    Xandora
    Emissary of Xangrilah

  21. I think we can all get along.

    Mr. Xandora, don’t worry too much about that “Important Evil Genius”. He talks a lot of smack, but he’s old and outdated. He poses no real threat to your planet. Just ignore his nonsensical ramblings…

    Hey, do you have any job openings with your civilization for someone highly advanced? I have great credentials and stuff…

  22. HA! at the first sign of opposition Thomas Wayne (a proven minion and mouth piece of Mr. Destructo) bow down and prove themselves as Weaklings! I fear no Xangrilangrians. In fact if this race KNEW their history they would find that in times of old they were originally called xangrians (before later lengthening it to ’sound’ more superior) how do I know this you ask? Because I funded the mission that initially colunized the asteroid Xangrilah that you now call home. In fact your highly-exalted leader Zan… is actually a descendant of a guy named doug that used to clean my lair! How do you think I knew the access codes to your computer?! How do you think I knew where to find you and how to contact you? How did I know that you’d pay good money (gold no less) to buy some old outdated crap equipment that I found in my closet (without first bothering to see if it works or not!)? In other words… I brought you into this cosmos and I can take you out! WHO’S YOUR DADDY!!!

  23. Dear Earthlings,

    I must assume that creating stories out of thin air is a hobby you all enjoy.
    I find that most of what I read on this “blog” is indeed well humored fiction.
    For a moment, we thought our home world was actually in danger from humans. O how absurd!

    Foolishness I say!

    Again it seems that I must bring forth truth so that your immature minds may grow.

    Thomas Wayne, thanks for your kind thoughts. However, our home world is not a planet (so sad) but a very large asteroid in the middle of what you humans call a “belt” within our solar system. It is beautiful down below with a lush self sustaining ecosystem that absorbs the suns rays from the surface of our glorious rock. Much like what you all know as a greenhouse effect.

    Now for Mr. Evil Genius, (sigh)

    O how we loath the day we first communicated with you!

    It is apparent that your old age as twisted your thinking. Our race has been around for thousands of years. Did you not read our previous entries on this forum??

    Unless you are immortal and were the first among creation, then I see your theory of being the father of life on our world as
    a classic case of human dementia a.k.a CRAZYNESS in the human tongue.

    Our great leader, Xan, (may he live forever) is highly insulted by the fact that you dare challenge his royal lineage. We know you are hiding out in Bolivia.

    Cease your evil or be de-ceased!

  24. Mr. Wayne,

    We are in need of a Interstellar Mechanical Energy Engineer skilled in creating and implementing,in an art form, sound and silence as expressed through time.

  25. Sounds great to me! Where do I sign up?

    BTW, can I work from home? Obviously you have Internet access. I’m more productive if I can wear shorts and a T-shirt and work from the comfort of my own home. Plus there’s plenty of sweet tea there, which increases productivity, too.

  26. Pingback: interview with the Important Evil Genius (E.D) « Buffet o’ Blog

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