The Important Evil Genius (E.D) is in the news today, and I thought some of you might like to know, because he visits this site and participates in the discussions. (To read up on his funny delusions of world domination, check out the comments on these pages : viewer mail!, pickles are evil, the best Christmas ever.) Here’s the official release from GP News :
Tue Feb 20, 9:12 AM CT
CONWAY (GP News) – Important scientists have reported that the secret lair of the Important Evil Genius (E.D) is producing an unlawful amount of greenhouse gases which lead to global warming, so local authorities have been instructed to shut it down immediately and place him in custody for an unspecified amount of time. His laboratory will be sterilized, and if that is not possible, it will be utterly destroyed.
His secret lair was discovered by a group of teenagers and their dog. Our on-the-spot reporter interviewed one of the teenagers, who was named Velma. She explained it thusly: “We were in town to visit my uncle, and he was showing us around the area. He took us to the base of this mountain, where some of the locals had reported seeing an old man who tried to scare them away. I was looking for clues, while the guys were throwing dog treats at our Great Dane, who bumped into a rock-like switch on the mountain. This proceeded to shut off a projector that was displaying an image over the entrance of a cave. My uncle called the local authorities and we went in to investigate.”
One of the local deputies named Cletus was at the scene, and he informed us that basic forensic research had concluded this lair has been in use for a long time and was still active. A quick search of the county records revealed that the Important Evil Genius did indeed own the property but has not paid any taxes in the last 38 years, so now the IRS will be conducting a major audit. It was also determined that the Important Evil Genius was not licensed to operate a chemical refinery, so a warrant has been issued for his arrest.
One of the important scientists explained that the secret lair is extremely dangerous, because it is using out-dated technology, plus it’s at the base of an active volcano. A quick glance around the main room of the cave revealed pits of exposed hot molten magma, which is obvious a dangerous thing to have near volatile chemicals. One of the younger important scientists, who wished to remain anonymous, called the hidden base “total crap”. He apparently had heard of the Important Evil Genius, as he elaborated, “This old man is a menace to society. He scares people around town with his oldness and his scathing threats, and he mixes colored, bubbling liquids together when he doesn’t even know what will happen. This laboratory should be shut down immediately before he injures himself and possible others with some chemical accident.”
The Important Evil Genius is currently on the loose. It is suspected that he is hiding inside the mountain, where there is an extensive labyrinth of tunnels and caves. Deputy Cletus was confident that the old man will be brought to justice soon.