my own “Road of Death”

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Yesterday I read an article at Beppo’s Blog about Bolivia’s “Road of Death”, and I wouldn’t be scared of driving it.  In fact, I’ve got a road like that in my backyard.  It leads to my secret hideout that I built when I was a teenager, where I go to get away from it all.

The road is all treacherous, much like that “Death Road” in Bolivia, in that there’s dangerous cliffs and sharp turns, all that kind of stuff.  There’s areas where you have to jump the quicksand or drive on two wheels to fit through (like on The Dukes of Hazzard or Knight Rider).  It’s really fun.  But you need stuntman-quality driving skills.  After it rains, it’s really tough to make it through, because it gets very muddy — sometimes my trusty El Camino barely makes it.  Lesser vehicles wouldn’t have a chance of getting through.

Later on there’s an area where you have to walk because vehicles just won’t fit — there’s too many steep ravines and mountains on the sides of the road.  There’s also a pond that you have to get across, but there’s usually starving alligators in it.  It’s not a huge pond, but long enough that you can’t jump it — it’s about long enough for three gators to fit in.  Fortunately there’s this vine that hangs down and blows back and forth in the breeze.  You have to jump onto it and swing across, just above the mouths of the hungry gators.  (I like to make a Tarzan-esque sound when I do that — it adds more drama to it.)  You also have to watch out for big scorpions.  They’re pretty big, in that you need crazy-good jumping skills to get over them consistently.  There’s several other types of unique pitfalls you gotta get through to reach the end.

Just when you’re about to lose it from all the fast-paced action, you have to evade a group of hungry, hungry hippos.  It’s frantic — mad-wack paddywack, even — so you’ve gotta be careful or you’ll lose your marbles.

When you get there, it’s worth the arduous journey.  It’s all cool and stuff.  It’s a great place to relax. I like to watch sports on TV and play video games and eat Cheetos.  There’s also deer and various other assorted wildlife critters that roam around freely there.  One drawback is that the pizza places won’t deliver out there, so you gotta do carry-out.  But that ain’t no thang.

If you’re up for the journey, maybe I’ll invite you out there with me sometime.

~ Thomas Wayne

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5 responses »

  1. My tragic story.

    I got this call one day and I knew…I must travel the “Road of Death”. It was around midnight when the call came through. There was this old man on the the other line and he was really upset that his last food drop into his area was cancelled due to bad weather. Anyway, he said that he wanted a double large triple meat pizza with extra cheese.

    And the nightmare began. The terrain as mentioned above in the article was brutal and I almost dropped the pizza off the cliffs. At one point I had to fend away three alligators with just a toothpick.

    To make a long story short, I finally made it to the coordinates given to me by the old man. I tumbled through a bush to see a huge observatory-like building. It seemed state of the art and I wondered how this guy even got the equipment out there to build such a marvel in the midst of the jungle.

    I knocked on the door and I heard “lay down the pizza and step away from my new secret lair! mwha-ha-haa-ha!” coming out of a hidden loudspeaker.

    So I stepped away and he said “Speak of this place to no one and I will gladly pay you in gold coins.”

    Being broke and in debt, and having to brave the “road of death”, I decided to take him up on his offer. From out of the ground a small lid opened up and a tiny lift brought up a bag of gold coins.

    I opened the bag and pulled out one of the coins. It was currency that I had never seen before. There was this inscription in my native language that read, “Xangrilah Gold. Good Currency, I don’t care who ya’er.”

    I soon found out on my return to the pizza shack that my small bag of gold was worth millions and I am now writing this message to you from a “secret lair” of my own in the bahamas.

    Needless to say, the old man will not be pleased that I told the world about him. But I am such a big fan of this world-renowned blog that I had to contribute my story.

  2. We know you are there. We put tracking devices inside the equipment you bought from us.

    O why did we do business with you?!!

  3. It just goes to show that you can’t trust the “Important Evil Genius” nor his pizza-delivering minions. At least he’s not a threat… about all he can is talk smack… and be old… 🙂

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