Yesterday I read an article at Beppo’s Blog about Bolivia’s “Road of Death”, and I wouldn’t be scared of driving it. In fact, I’ve got a road like that in my backyard. It leads to my secret hideout that I built when I was a teenager, where I go to get away from it all.
The road is all treacherous, much like that “Death Road” in Bolivia, in that there’s dangerous cliffs and sharp turns, all that kind of stuff. There’s areas where you have to jump the quicksand or drive on two wheels to fit through (like on The Dukes of Hazzard or Knight Rider). It’s really fun. But you need stuntman-quality driving skills. After it rains, it’s really tough to make it through, because it gets very muddy — sometimes my trusty El Camino barely makes it. Lesser vehicles wouldn’t have a chance of getting through.
Later on there’s an area where you have to walk because vehicles just won’t fit — there’s too many steep ravines and mountains on the sides of the road. There’s also a pond that you have to get across, but there’s usually starving alligators in it. It’s not a huge pond, but long enough that you can’t jump it — it’s about long enough for three gators to fit in. Fortunately there’s this vine that hangs down and blows back and forth in the breeze. You have to jump onto it and swing across, just above the mouths of the hungry gators. (I like to make a Tarzan-esque sound when I do that — it adds more drama to it.) You also have to watch out for big scorpions. They’re pretty big, in that you need crazy-good jumping skills to get over them consistently. There’s several other types of unique pitfalls you gotta get through to reach the end.
Just when you’re about to lose it from all the fast-paced action, you have to evade a group of hungry, hungry hippos. It’s frantic — mad-wack paddywack, even — so you’ve gotta be careful or you’ll lose your marbles.
When you get there, it’s worth the arduous journey. It’s all cool and stuff. It’s a great place to relax. I like to watch sports on TV and play video games and eat Cheetos. There’s also deer and various other assorted wildlife critters that roam around freely there. One drawback is that the pizza places won’t deliver out there, so you gotta do carry-out. But that ain’t no thang.
If you’re up for the journey, maybe I’ll invite you out there with me sometime.
~ Thomas Wayne