It is unlawful for persons to expel virulent gases from their buttocks within the proximity of five (5) feet of another person in an indoor or confined area.
In the interest of full disclosure, perhaps I should say this isn’t a law yet. Nor is it yet a bill out on Capitol Hill dreaming (and singing) about becoming a law someday. In fact, it hasn’t even been proposed — until right now. So it’s not immediately effective. But I’ll be petitioning my state representatives to pass this legislation.
You may be asking why this is such a big deal. Well, air is important for life, and we need fresh air, rather than some polluted, contaminated air being released from someone’s rear orifice. Not only is such air bad for our nasal passages, it is harmful to the environment, due to all the methane being released in an unregulated manner. And it’s been shown that methane contributes to global warming.
I will present some examples which illustrate the dangers of releasing malodorous fumes in the form of flatulence. 1) Suppose you’re on an elevator, and someone releases a silent-but-deadly fart. There instantly becomes a shortage of fresh air for normal breathing, and everyone becomes uncomfortable. 2) I had a friend in high school who would lock the windows in his car, rip one, and crank the heat up on high. THAT AIN’T RIGHT! The air quickly became unsuitable for life. That kind of inhumane irresponsibility must stop! 3) One time at a Taco Bell in Pine Bluff, one diner chose to erupt with “thunder from down under”, which was inconceivably loud. It destroyed our meal, to the point of some people in the restaurant getting up and running outside. And on the ride home, this particular guy drove and continued his farting ways. He turned the air on high, to blow all the noxious fumes to the back of the van. Many people suffered greatly at his hand, er, butt, that day.
I could give many more examples, but you see my point. It is obvious that some people will not fart responsibly, so something must be done to regulate such dangerous outbursts, for our own safety and pleasure. Please join me in petitioning our state representatives to get this problem under control via government regulation.
Thank you, drive thru…