It’s a few weeks after the big game, but that doesn’t matter. Either you’ll like this or you won’t. (That could probably apply to any post, although more so for this one, since it’s about football.) Anyway, I came across a blog where someone wrote a live update of the pregame and game, and it’s not your usual summary. In addition to being funny, it’s a glimpse into how the game and commentary might look to someone who isn’t accustomed to American culture. So much of this perspective we normally miss, just because it’s normal to us or we don’t bother to think about it. Anyway, here’s some excerpts from the Super Bowl XLVII summary: The Superest Bowl Ever.
2:39: Bombshell! President Barack Obama DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS ROOTING FOR! We should impeach him! This somehow segues into a story about concussions. I assume they’re implying that Obama has a concussion, but I may be reading too much into it.
3:05: Chuck Pagano, the Indianapolis Colts head coach was hired, then was diagnosed with leukemia, then it went into remission. There is a lot of crying. Most of it is not from me, though, so kudos to me for being manly. Inspirational/depressing story #3.
3:20: CBS asked their Facebook fans which quarterback was the best. That is a great idea for deciding levels of talent. No one on Facebook will vote based on their biases.
3:36: Apparently Obama isn’t concerned about his son playing football since he only has two daughters. Bombshell! OBAMA IS SEXIST AND SAYS HIS DAUGHTERS WON’T BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING FOOTBALL BECAUSE THEY’RE GIRLS! No wonder the right hates him so much.
4:00: Football players explain that they are trying hard to win the Super Bowl while the “Saving Private Ryan” soundtrack plays in the background. I figured they were planning on phoning it in, so now I’m really looking forward to the game.
5:00: “The Kickoff Show” starts. What the crap have I been watching for the past 3 hours?
5:01: A bunch of retired NFL players start stories about their turn in the Super Bowl. They never finish the stories though before someone else starts talking. Either those players are all very bad at interrupting or the CBS editors have serious ADD.
6:05: The first quarter ends with the score 7-3. More importantly, I am eating wings. Therefore, I do not care about the stupid football game for the next half hour.
6:09: The Harbaughs’ parents are at the game. I was wondering if they were watching the game, but thank goodness someone had the answer for me.
6:13: The 49ers fumble and the Ravens recover. They really should have made a game-plan that involved not dropping the ball. I bet they do that next time.
6:28: Baltimore Ravens interception by Ed Reed leads to an awesome brawl. I am starting to sense that these two teams don’t get along. Maybe we should take a quick break, talk things out, then get back to the game after everyone has apologized to each other.
6:42: Subway uses a commercial spot to honor Jared for not being fat for 15 years. He appreciates it, I’m sure, but would probably prefer that they gave him something besides Subway to eat.
7:31: Kickoff for the second half is returned 109 yards for a Ravens’ touchdown. I now will spend the next 15 minutes wondering if I could even run 109 yards. 28-6 Ravens.
7:37: Extended silence from the announcers while they show that lights have gone out in the ceiling. One player is shown yelling at the lights. I’m surprised, but it didn’t seem to work.
7:41: A sideline reporter is telling us that the power is out. It was a very in-depth investigative report.
7:44: CBS sends it to the studio. They confirm that the lights are out. So, to summarized, the lights are out.
7:49: The lights are, according to the studio, still out. According to them, this makes it darker inside and will make the game more difficult. When I was a kid, I knew people who had glow in the dark Nerf footballs. The NFL should look into getting those.
7:52: The sideline reporter spoke to the players. It turns out that they aren’t afraid of the dark, so that’s a relief.
7:59: When the lights come back on, the studio analysts say the game will start again. That is the decision I would make if I were in charge of the game.
9:04: Kaepernick runs for a San Francisco touchdown. They go for a two-point conversion. If you get points for throwing the ball way over someone’s head, they succeeded. Since they don’t get points for that, It’s 31-29 Baltimore.
9:51: Toyota postgame show begins. Sponsored by Toyota.
Lessons learned from commercials tonight:
If you hire Century 21, the realtor will save your life or provide medical care, but only if you are looking for a house.
M&M’s would prefer that you do not eat them.
Parents don’t care about parties as long as you are drinking a delicious low calorie soda.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson cannot save the world from aliens, get cats out of a tree, or stop lions from mauling people without having a glass of milk first.
The Volkswagen makes people speak like Jamaicans. Weird product feature there.
Taco Bell makes old people do things like stupid youths.
Trucks are great for farmers.
Try applying original thinking the next time you’re watching a TV show or commercials. Just how much is going on that is silly or absurd or random?