Tag Archives: pickles

creating our own space laser inator

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In the last post we talked about creating an explosion on the Moon.  The story ended with us lamenting the lack of funds to do such things.  It would cost millions of dollars just to create one explosion on the Moon, which is quite extravagant and wasteful.  So one of our resident genii (geniuses) suggested we build an “inator” that would accomplish this goal and be self-funding.  Why didn’t NASA think of that?

So we’re gonna build a giant solar-powered space laser.  Who hasn’t dreamed of carving their name into the moon with a giant space laser?  Not only could you customize the moon’s appearance — and sell advertising spots on it for large sums of money — but there would be many potential uses for a space laser, some of which would pay lucratively.

Burninating the countryside…

One obvious application is trying to takeover the world with it, like a classic James Bond villain.  (I think Cobra of G.I. Joe has tried that, too.)  But hopefully owning a giant space laser wouldn’t turn you evil.  (It takes a certain mentality to be a mad scientist / evil genius.  It’s not for everyone.  And that’s a good thing.)

You could use it for good also.  Here’s a few ideas:

* If someone needed to destroy a building but an explosion is too dangerous, you could melt it down with your space laser.
* If you’re camping and you don’t want to wait on a campfire to cook your food, use your giant laser — that is, if you can program it to the right power level.
* Of course there are obvious military applications.
* If someone wants to install a moat around their house, using a laser would be a lot easier than digging it out manually.
* If you can set it to “stun”, you could use it to deter bullies, thieves, neighborhood pets who poop in your yard, etc. This would also be great for practical jokes.
* If you could somehow make it look like lightning, have the remote for that functionality setup to fire whenever you say your name dramatically.  There are plenty of catch-phrases that could also be applied to.
* Use it to rid the world of evil pickles.
* You could protect the Earth from asteroids, meteors, and space junk (debris).  You could also make this into a real-life Asteroids game, which would be awesome.

I’m sure there are many other practical (or not-so-practical) applications.  I’d like to hear your ideas, so feel free to leave a comment.

burger bomb sauce

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When I was Christmas shopping last month, I saw some type of burger bomb sauce, which sounded intriguing, like maybe some chipotle-based sauce.  (BTW, have you noticed that chipotle seemed to be the top food-related buzzword of 2011?  But I digress…)

I looked at the ingredients, and noticed that the first 4 ingredients are mayo, pickles, ketchup, mustard.  As we’ve discussed numerous times on the blog, pickles are not food, so they don’t belong in any sauce.  (I can’t stand mustard, either, but will acknowledge it’s edible to some people.)

So maybe this sauce is marketed as a practical joke type gift, in that it will result in the destruction of your burger, from an edible point-of-view.  I figured using the term “bomb” meant it would be the bomb, but obviously they meant it more literally.

Ironically, if someone had given me this sauce, I would probably blow it up…  🙂

the ultimate potato salad

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If you view this full-size, it looks somewhat like an alien blob. It may not be ALIVE! but it's obviously not food.

Recently I had several home-cooked Thanksgiving meals, and for there were lots of great traditional foods — turkey, ham, dressing, mashed potatoes, etc.  But there is one traditional food that I just don’t understand — potato salad (or as some say, tater salad).  Actually, let me call it “food”, because I’m not convinced it’s edible.

Normally I’m all about potatoes, in just about any capacity, but why ruin it with pickles and mustard?  I just don’t get it.  We’ve discussed at length that pickles are evil and should not be eaten.  I don’t like eating mustard, but at least I can accept that some people like it.  Pickles just aren’t food.  Even just the smell of them is repulsive.

Fortunately my in-laws realized my dislike of it and left some of the mashed potatoes uncorrupted for my consumption this year.  So props to them for that.

But why ruin good potatoes in such a manner when there are so many better uses for them?  Nonetheless, I understand how tradition and nostalgia is important, especially this time of year, so if potato salad is a tradition that many people feel should be continued, let’s revamp it.

So here and now, let’s invent a new-and-much-improved “potato salad” (if one must exist).  First off, no pickles or mustard.  Let’s just start with mashed potatoes (with butter and milk, of course), then add cheese and bacon.  Or we could go with bacon and gravy.  (Or all 3 if you feel adventurous.)  This will be a hundred times better than regular potato salad!  (Actually, I’m not sure I could even put a number on the comparison, since in its traditional form it is inedible to me.)

If we make this change, it might be culture shock to a few people, but once they try it, there’s no going back.  People will forget about the previous version, and everyone will be happier for it!  If it makes you sad that family members will no longer say things like, “Grandma Bottlestopper made the best tater salad”, realize that now people will say YOU make the best potato salad.  YOUR recipe will be written into the legends of Thanksgiving cooking, to be discussed for generations to come.  How will you feel about that?

If you have any additional suggestions or have done research on this topic, feel free to share.  Together we could invent the world’s best potato salad recipe.

I need a portable incinerator

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During a recent discussion on this blog, I suggested that pickles be shot into the sun or at least tossed into a local incinerator.  That got me to wondering if there are any local incinerators open to the public.  Probably not.

So I challenge our Research & Development team to invent a pocket incinerator.  Imagine how handy that would be!  If you have trash while you’re out and about, you just fire up your pocket incinerator and toss the refuse in, and instantly your garbage is vaporized into nothingness.  Then there would be no excuse for littering — and it would be fun to watch things be vaporized.  (I suspect it would be so awesome that people would start grabbing whatever nonessential items are around them, which if at work would include pens, paperclips, staplers, TPS reports, and whatever stuff you think your co-workers really don’t need that much.)

Alternatively, the trash could be teleported to an parallel dimension, but I suspect you’d need a mighty powerful battery to handle that, probably something powered with nuclear power, which you might not want to carry around in your pocket…

pickles do not go with BBQ!

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The other day I was at a BBQ place in Pine Bluff, trying it for the first time.  It was one of those great and turrible* experiences all wrapped into one.  I ordered a BBQ sandwich, but they put pickles on it!  Nowhere on the menu did it say pickles were included on it, nor did the waitress mention it.  I’ve ranted (numerous times) about having no tolerance of pickles, so I won’t rant on that again.  But they should tell you about such things!  They should warn you before exposing you to pickles!  I don’t know if they were trying to ruin my day or just completely ignorant of how much some people detest pickles.

Fortunately, the pickles had yet to soil the meat or bread with their evilness, so they were discarded with no harm done.  That’s a good thing, or the whole plate would’ve been returned.  (I’m not normally one to make a fuss at restaurants, but I have to draw the line at pickles.)  At least the food was great, so that was the bright spot on the trip.

There was another bad spot, though — the waitress never came back.  I finally had to ask for a refill of sweet tea, and they never brought a ticket.  Paying took a long time because they had to match people’s orders with a pile of tickets containing only codes.  I hope that type of service isn’t the norm.

Anyway, just thought I’d rant.  It’s my soapbox, and I can rant if I want to.  🙂  If you’re expecting a moral of the story, it’s that pickles should not be served at restaurants.  If I owned a restaurant…

* turrible is the worse form of terrible, and try to say it like Charles Barkley does, for full effect.

no tolerance of pickles

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I was at a restaurant the other night, and I ordered a bacon cheeseburger.  I specifically said no pickles (because pickles are evil), yet they included pickles on my burger.   Fortunately, neither the meat nor the bun was contaminated by the stank of the pickles, so I could just discard of the lettuce, tomato, and onions, and the burger could be rescued without having to send it back and wait.

I’m going to create a business card that says if the server includes pickles on my order, my meal will be free.   I’m going to set it on the table as soon as I sit down, so things are clear.  Perhaps the card should read in big letters: “PICKLES ARE EVIL — NO TOLERANCE”.  Then the fine print will explain the other terms.

I’ve also considered throwing all pickles in the floor, to make my point more clearly.   (Such things have been rumored to have happened before.)  At least I’m more tolerant than Stewie Griffin of the show Family Guy, who said, “For every pickle I find, I shall kill you.”  🙂  I’m not too tolerant of evil (and therefore pickles, by association), but I try to be merciful to people, because I’ve discovered not everyone realizes that pickles are evil.   I don’t know how they don’t know, but ignorance and deception can lead to strange, irrational behavior, so I try to educate folks on this whenever possible.

BTW, if you stumbled onto this site from a search engine and were not aware that pickles are evil, follow the link above and read the comments — it’s debated thoroughly there.  Be enlightened… and share the knowledge with others.

research shows pickles will kill you

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We’ve discussed here before the fact that pickles are evil.  We’ve even offered proof, yet some of you stubbornly resist the facts.  Well, here’s further evidence, which I stumbled across recently.

An important scientific study was conducted around 1875, when pickles were starting to gain more acceptance in mainstream society.  Certain intellectual people knew this must be the work of the devil, trying to turn people into evil zombies.  So these smart important scientists conducted some research into the long-term effects of pickles.  There were 5011 people who ate pickles and had their life observed, to see what kind of effects the pickles had.  Much to everyone’s chagrin, all these people DIED!

So there you have it — conclusive proof that IF YOU EAT PICKLES, YOU WILL DIE! That’s just not something you want to mess around with!

Feel free to argue if you must, but facts are facts…