Tag Archives: story

tempted with jealousy

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Somebody did me wrong today.  They didn’t mean to, so I won’t hold it against them, but it just wasn’t right.  My story begins like many others: I was minding my own business, mowing my yard.  I was trying to get my lawn mowed before the rain came.  My wife was inside cooking supper.  Since we’re trying to lose weight, we’ve been eating healthy meals more than we used to.  She was baking some Cajun-seasoned fish and frying some fresh vegetables (squash, okra, and tomatoes) with Creole seasoning and olive oil.  It’s not a bad meal, even for a meat-and-taters guy like myself.  But while I was mowing, one of my neighbors decided to grill burgers, and the wonderful aroma wafted into my yard.

It really doesn’t matter that I was about to eat fish and vegetables — just about any meal is trumped by home-grilled burgers.  So I found that to be quite rude of them.  I’m outside dripping with sweat from mowing in the crazy heat-and-humidity mixture here in Arkansas, and they’re making me jealous with their grilling.

So if you find yourself in the situation of the person grilling while your neighbor is mowing his yard, it would be incredibly awesome if you were to offer him a burger or hot dog off the grill.  That would make their day, and it would certainly make the rest of the mowing not so laborious.  I’m just sayin’…  🙂

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caption contest, giant digging machine

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This photo for this week’s caption contest features a giant digging machine.  It’s a little different in that people don’t play a prominent role in this photo.  But nonetheless there are many humorous captions that can be applied here.  The trick is to use your imagination and create context for it.  Write your own background for the story if necessary.  Or find a way to tie it into an existing news story or movie.

giant digging machine

(To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

a bag of donuts

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I’m about to tell you a strange story.  It’s one that you’ve never heard of.  You could say it’s quite obscure in most parts of the world.  I usually don’t tell tales such as this here, but today is an exception.  I guess you could say I’m just in a story-telling mood today.

Every year on December 12th (12/12), something unusual happens.  There’s a peculiar man who goes around the tri-state area bringing holiday cheer with food.   Nobody knows his real name, but they call him Bag O’Donuts.  This is his moniker because he carries a magical bag of donuts (doughnuts) on this special day / holiday.

bag-of-donutsThis special bag has within it every kind of donut — any kind you can imagine.  And the donuts are always fresh, similar to the ones you get off the line at Krispy Kreme where they almost melt in your mouth.  But this magical bag works only one day per year, making it a most special day for all who love donuts.

Mr. Bag O. Donuts has done this every year for a while now, establishing a tradition you could say, except one particular year, and that was when a man named Fab stole the magical bag of donuts.  Fab and Mr. Donuts were talking about the magical bag, how it worked, when Fab simply pulled the wool over Mr. Bag Donuts’ eyes (literally).  While Donut-Man struggled to unfleece himself, Fab escaped with the oft-coveted bag.  donutsFab hid in the pea patch, and ate donuts all night long.  He ate glazed, chocolate-filled, cream-filled, chocolate-covered, cream sticks, custard donuts, strawberry shortcakes, twists, etc. — all he could imagine.   It was better than a wagon full of pancakes!  He ate and ate, until he could eat no more.  In fact, he ate so many donuts that he began to look like one!

A search party eventually found Fab in the pea patch, asleep with the bag at his side and donuts in each hand.  But it was too late for Mr. Doughnuts to make his run — the clock had struck midnight, thus the bag’s special powers went dormant, and many people suffered free donut withdrawals.  It was truly tragic.

Now Baggy Donuts won’t bring donuts to Fab anymore, although I hear they are on talking terms now.  Fab denies the incident ever happened, but don’t believe him.  Rumor has it that sometimes on Dec. 12, late at night, you can still find Fab wandering around the pea patch, longing for the endless donuts once again.   Some say he has a donut-shaped hole in his soul, leaving him restless and endlessly hungry.

Now you know… the rest of the story.

the special days of August, pt 2

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Now we’ll look at the daily holidays / celebrations / observations in August:

  • 1 National Raspberry Cream Pie Day — I’m not sure I’ve ever had one of these, but it sounds good.
  • 1 Respect for Parents’ Day — This should be every day.  I know, that saying may not be popular, but it is one of the Ten Commandments, so it should be taken seriously.
  • 2 National Ice Cream Sandwich Day — This is a wonderful holiday!  Ice cream sandwiches are scrumptious!  I could eat these all the time…
  • 2 National Mustard Day — Ugh!  I can’t stand mustard!  Even the smell is repulsive!  Why is this a holiday?  There isn’t a good use for mustard.  All sandwiches and burgers should use Miracle Whip, never mustard.
  • 3 Friendship Day — Be thankful for your close friends.  They’re the ones who know just how weird and/or stupid you are sometimes, yet they like you anyway.  🙂
  • 3 International Forgiveness Day (the first Sunday in August) — Hmm…  Watch your step now, because even though this is a humor blog, I need to say something serious here.  And you should really watch your toes on this one.  If you don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive you.  So know that it’s VERY important that you forgive everyone, whether they deserve it or not.  (See Matthew 6:14-15)
  • 3 National Watermelon Day — Watermelon, it’s a good fruit.  You eat, you drink, you wash your face.
  • 4 National Chocolate Chip Day — This is a great idea for a holiday!  I shall celebrate with freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies!  Mmm…
  • 5 Work Like a Dog Day — I don’t currently own a dog, but I have in the past.  Looking back, they slept a lot, and chased stuff when they weren’t sleeping.  I can work that hard this day…
  • 6 Wiggle Your Toes Day — Why is there a day for this?  I don’t get it…
  • 7 Sea Serpent Day — This must be for Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.  So many people have seen him/her/it, yet there is still no definitive proof.  But in one of our infamous “free-for-all” stories, three explorers tackled the mystery of Nessie, and you can read it here.  It’s a funny story, and you learn what Nessie is guarding in the loch.  I guarantee you haven’t read a story quite like this one before.
  • 7 Write a Song Day — Someone should write a song about how Buffet o’ Blog is the #1 humor blog on the Internet.  If you do, I’ll even promote it here for free.  🙂
  • 8 Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day — Uhh… Now that is random!  Although, if you read the explanation for it, it actually makes sense.  But sometimes it’s better for things to be random than logical.  It’s like explaining a joke — it usually ceases to be funny if you have to explain it.
  • 8 National Waffle Day — I can support this holiday.  Give me plenty of syrup (like Aunt Jemima) and I’m good to go.  While we’re talking about waffles, let me ask you this: are waffles better than pancakes?  Well, look at it this way: waffles are like pancakes with built-in syrup holders.
  • 9 Book Lover’s Day — I don’t know what is implied by “book lover”, but I enjoy reading books.  You should, too.  Consider books in this context: books are universities anyone can enter.
  • 9 International Day of the World’s Indigenous People — I’m an indigenous people!  I’m naturally occurring and living in this area of the world.  I’ve lived in Arkansas my whole life.  Well, actually I haven’t yet… but so far I have.  🙂

We have a lot more holidays to cover for this month, but because this is getting long and because some of my regular readers have pointed out how long each of these tend to be, I’m breaking it up into smaller servings, for your reading consumption convenience.

Click here to find the other entries in this list.

the special days of April, pt 2

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Now we continue our look at the special days / celebrations / observances in April.  (Click here to see part 1.)

  • 15 Income Tax Day — Honestly, I’d rather not celebrate this.  To me, it’s a deadline, not a holiday.  Nonetheless, it is found on some holiday lists.  Whatever…
  • 16 National Stress Awareness Day — We should aim to live stress-free lives.  That’s a lofty goal, I realize, but it is possible.  That doesn’t mean there won’t be stressful circumstances, but we don’t have to get stressed out.  We can’t completely conquer it on our own, but with the peace of God, we can live without stress and anxiety.
  • 17 Blah, Blah, Blah Day — Apparently this is a day for rambling.  Do you know how much fun it can be to ramble on and on randomly?  It can be hilarious, too.  But you must not force it to happen, because it needs to be spontaneous.  And I don’t mean just talking about the same subject for a long time, to the point that your listeners are totally bored — I mean letting the conversation jump around randomly.  (Some examples are here and here.  Our free-for-all stories are also very random.)
  • 17 National Cheeseball Day — Mmm…  cheeseballs and Ritz crackers…
  • 18 International Juggler’s Day — I know, juggling may not seem as cool as it once did, but it can still be fun.  Try juggling various office supplies in your cubicle at work.  If some go over the walls, that just adds to the excitement.  Your co-workers will get a kick out of it.  🙂
  • 18 Pet Owners Independence Day — This sounded strange to me, so I glanced online to see what it’s about.  No one knows for sure, but one place suggested making your pets go to work while you stayed home to just sleep and eat.  It sounds like a good idea in theory (especially the staying home part), but your pet may not have the experience necessary to competently do your job for a day.  But imagine how funny it would be to see your office filled with pets!  🙂
  • 19 National Garlic Day — Look at it this way : garlic cheese biscuits.
  • 19 Humorous Day — Obviously this means you should be humorous today.  (And, of course, this blog is a great place to do so.)  Some people really need to be humorous more often.  There seems to be an increasing number of humorless people these days, from politicians to lobbyists and special interest groups and the “politically correct” crowd.  We all need to laugh — it’s good for you, and it helps you get through life easier.
  • 20 Look Alike Day — On this day you can choose to look like anyone you want.  You can even choose to dress up like a pirate or a ninja.  Come to think of it, a great holiday would be that everyone had to dress up as a pirate OR a ninja.  That would make work a lot more interesting, plus you would see where everyone stands in the infamous debate over which is superior.
  • 20 Volunteer Recognition Day — I volunteer for this blog, so I qualify.  My salary for providing all this original entertainment is zero, zip, nada.  So if you want to thank me, today is a good day for it.  (FYI, I accept cookies, U.S. currency, free lunches, gift cards, and, of course, verbal thanks.)
  • 20 Cuckoo Day — I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
  • 21 Kindergarten Day — Perhaps we should all go back to Kindergarten on this day, to realize how far we have come.  We should spend the day coloring, having cookies and milk, and taking naps.  I’m sure there was probably more to kindergarten, but that’s what I remember most.  🙂
  • 23 Lover’s Day — We’ve already got Valentine’s Day, which is enough of a hassle.  Next…
  • 23 Take a Chance Day — What you do today is obvious — take a chance.  For example, suppose there’s a girl you’ve been wanting to ask out on a date, but you’re scared because you don’t know what she’d say.  So on this day, you take the chance.  Even if she totally rejects you and never speaks to you again and gets a restraining order against you, at least you took a chance.
  • 23 World Laboratory Day — I’d like to take a tour of a mad scientist’s laboratory.  (I hear that the Important Evil Genius (E.D) has a lot of retro equipment which would be neat to see, if he still has any working secret lairs.)
  • 23 International Sing Out Day — Sing out, and enjoy singing.  If singing isn’t your gift, you might want to keep it in your car or in the shower, but enjoy your singing.  If you have musical talent, let others enjoy it.
  • 24 Pig in a Blanket Day — This isn’t anything too special, except that you get to eat, which is why I included it.  (There’s not nearly enough eating holidays this month!)
  • 27 National Prime Rib Day — Ahh, here we go, a day to eat steak!  And remember, diets don’t apply on holidays, so order a large steak and get a loaded baked potato to go with it.
  • 27 Tell a Story Day — I’ll tell ya a story, lad — it’s about a guy who got in my way, and it’s not a happy ending.  Oh, wait, that’s not the point.  Today you should exercise your imagination, let your creativity run wild.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a great author or not.  Just write what you enjoy.  Also, we have an outlet here on this blog for such things : our free-for-all stories.  There’s usually one in progress, so click the link to check it out.  You’re all welcome to participate.  It’s a good time.
  • 28 Kiss Your Mate Day — Hopefully you don’t need a reminder for this…
  • 29 National Shrimp Scampi Day — This is what I’m talkin’ about!  Red Lobster, here I come!  They should offer an all-you-can-eat shrimp platter on this day, which includes shrimp scampi.
  • bad hair day30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day — I don’t really care how other people style their hair — that’s their business.  Although some folks’ hair does look a mess, like they didn’t fix it after going to bed with wet hair.  I have trouble appreciating that, even if it is a holiday.  But to each their own, I suppose.
  • 30 National Honesty Day — We should be honest every day.  Of course, that doesn’t mean we have to say everything we’re thinking — there is something called tact.  But we shouldn’t ever lie or be dishonest.

That concludes the special holidays in April.  I hope you found something you could celebrate.